How perfect is this – related to my last post:

Finding her rhythm had been a long and dangerous journey.
She traveled…beyond the streets of oppression,
The valley of inauthenticity,
the forest of despair, the river of regret,
and the desert of self judgment.
She crossed the sea of change,
the mountains of transformation
And finally, she arrived!
In the meadow of possibility
She claimed her life song…
– Shiloh Sophia McCloud

Thanks to Terry for sharing this!

Yesterday my friend at Visionary Mom posted this as her status:

“you never know the difference you make, or the impact you have on someone, or how WHO you are will help someone through some tough stuff years later. I’m wishing the people I know a huge dose of peace and love. ♥

all this to say ~ don’t hold back, be who you are, give with all your heart.

it matters and makes a difference.”

Which immediately made me think of an old friend, and how our time together – and who he was back then – helped me through some tough times even after I left Grand Forks. And that, in turn, allowed me to fall in love with and marry a “good guy,” like he was, who loves me for who I am, is strong and recognizes that I sometimes need to be protected & taken care of, even when I don’t know it myself.

Then, I thought of how a recent – brief – time as friends again instigated and fueled my physical transformation journey. Which led to a harsh period of self-reflection and uncertainty, where he was again a life raft for me anytime I felt like I was drowning. He always knew what to say, bluntly and unapologetically.

Then he suddenly cut communications, which caused me bewildering heartache, but even that incident pushed me deeper into my soul-searching.

I have reconnected with two other friends from my past (air force GFAFB & college UCCS) who like who I am now, and remind me of who I was then. And you know what? I’ve always been the same person inside.

It has been my *perception* of who I am that has changed over the years. All that self-loathing, depression & apologetic self-doubt throughout most of my adolescent & adult life – all that came from not HONESTLY accepting who I am. Sure, I have always said that I don’t care what other people think. But I do. I don’t care what *everyone* thinks, but I care what the people I love and who love me think.

When I read Lisbeth’s blog post, it hit my soul profoundly, particularly the last four statements:

“I’m the one who scares you sometimes. That’s okay. My intensity scares me sometimes too.

I know I make some people nuts. It’s not cool to have this much passion for life, this much drive, this much fun just breathing and talking and doing. My officemates must think I’m daft because I laugh out loud so much. I can’t help it. People — and life — are just so damn funny. I laugh out loud all day long.

I am, finally, after so many years, comfortable in my own skin.

I am me. And I’m betting I am part of you too.”

I feel like I’m finally where I need to be – physically & spiritually.

I’m finally here.

With most things, I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Nothing’s worth doing unless you push yourself to the limit every time, I always say to myself.

This philosophy does me well in so many areas of my life – particularly the physical aspects: Ascent, marathon, Warrior Dash, P90X, CrossFit to name a few.

But sometimes I need to just take my time and learn from experiencing, from getting the feel of things before I just jump in. What prompted this revelation?

*sigh* I laid my bike down today.

I have been feeling more comfortable with my riding – no stalling out at lights, making my turns tighter, riding in heavy wind as well as light rain. Even so, I don’t know what possessed me to drive up Ruxton Ave. The fact that it’s kind of steep and bit winding is one thing. The crux of the problem was turning around. Just before the cog railway, there is a turn around point. You are basically coming uphill, then turning in an acute angle going downhill. I was doing okay until I hit the gravel. Shit.

I hit the ground first, and made a valiant effort to hold the bike up, but gravity coupled with gravel and incline took us down. The engine stalled out as soon as I let go of the throttle. Gas started pouring out of the carburetor. Some girls who were either coming back from or heading to the Incline helped me get the bike up enough to put the kickstand down. I thanked them profusely. I sat to the side, catching my breath, preparing to bring the bike down. *deep breath* I told myself, I can do this.

I got on the bike, put it in neutral, and tried to roll it down to flat ground. No go. The hill was too steep, the bike was leaning downhill, and then there was the gravel. I went down again. Shit. Shit. Shit. This time another gal tried to help me pick it up, but the position of the bike on the hill was worse now. I couldn’t get any footing because now the bike was pretty much right up against the gravel. I was so irritated with myself for even attempting this. I hate making this turn in my CAR.

Then from around the corner, my guardian angel appeared clad in a tank top and – hmmm, I think cargo pants?. I think I had seen him driving on Ruxton earlier in a green Jeep with the top off. Seeing Jeeps always makes me miss mine.

Anyway, he came up the hill, and assessed my situation. He asked if I was okay, and if he could help me get the bike up. Yes, please. He inquired, “600?” I answered “800.” “No problem, we can do this,” he says.

He took the handlebars, and I lifted near the seat, and the bike came up. “No damage!” he declared. “You’re good.”

No sooner had I started thinking, “But I can’t get it down the hill,” he was saying, “Do you want me to bring it down there for you?” Yes, please. I tried to make myself useful by propping up on the left side of the bike, steadying the back while he braked and rolled efficiently and got me to more neutral ground. It was while we were pushing the bike, I noticed that he had a sidearm on right hip. And, for some reason, I suddenly felt safer.

We parked it, and I must have sighed with relief. He asked if I was feeling shaky, and I told him that I was just out of breath from the effort. And frustrated because I hadn’t dumped the bike before. He was gracious, said it has even happened to him, and that “If a guy tells you he’s never laid a bike down, he’s not really riding.” LOL. He gave me tips on picking a bike up when not on a hill, and again asked if I was going to be okay from here. I said that I would be. And shook his hand while thanking him even more profusely, this time noticing his tattooed arms.

And then he was gone. I took some breaths, felt extremely grateful that he showed up when I was thinking I was so out of options. I honestly had no idea what I would have done.

So I started the bike, and decided I needed to ride a while to get my sea legs back – motorcycle legs? So I went through Manitou, down Colorado and around downtown for about half an hour. It was only then I noticed some drops of blood on my left pant leg. What the? Then I noticed a little slice on my left thumb. Oh, nice. Time to head home and clean up.

I was going to take the bike back to my dad’s garage where I’ve been keeping it (nice flat ground there), but then decided that I hadn’t pushed myself enough in getting back in the saddle, so to speak. So I headed home. Up our steep hill, turned right up onto our steep street, then a hard left up onto the steep driveway. If you’ve been to my house, you exactly what I mean. I was tired, and made the fatal mistake of pausing at the bottom of our steep driveway.

I went down again. Hard this time – on concrete. I tried to pick up the bike, but I was exhausted from the earlier efforts. Again, the gas was pouring out of the carburetor. Oh hell. I ran into the house and called to Doug to help me. We got the bike up quickly, and I put it on the kickstand again and sat hard on the ground to catch my breath.

And berated myself some more for being so stupid. Doug was extremely supportive and sympathetic. And then I noticed the damage. Left rear signal hanging, lens broken. The tip of the clutch handle broken off. ARGH. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And here was evidence of that stupidity.

I should have let myself be. But that’s not what I do. So. Limitations. I must remember that I don’t *always*, *every* time, have to push myself to the edges of my capacity/ability in *every* single thing I do (except every CrossFit AMRAP). Sometimes, I need to take my time and learn.

Yeah, I’ll need to work on that.

A huge thanks to the gals who helped me and to my Jeep-driving, side-arm-wearing, tattooed guardian angel. I mean, c’mon – that angel is just tailor-made for me, right?

Oh, and in no way will this keep me from riding. I love riding. Just not on steep hills. Or gravel. Or both.

Since my recent weight loss, which was pretty dramatic – if you saw me anytime in 2009, a lot of people ask me how I did it. This account is pieced together from (my horribly bad) memory and random tweets and FB posts.

Since I avoided the scale when I was heaviest, I don’t have an official starting weight. I was at least 142 at one point. At my lightest, during this past year, I weighed 122. I weigh 125 today. I estimate that I lost about 18-20 lbs of body fat, and gained maybe 2-4 lbs of muscle. I’m 5′ 2½” – so any fat on me is much more noticeable.

THE FOOD
It was the ol’ eat less, exercise a whole lot more process. Mostly eat less. Because frankly, it is ALL about the food. Which you have to deal with in quantity and mentally.

What I did is NOT considered a healthy way. But I got results, am stronger than ever now – so there it is. For me, the best catalyst is fasting.

I try to kick off weight loss with a mini fast for a day or two – only fruits, vegetables, water and juice. Absolute minimal amount of food.

For the bulk of my weight loss time, I skipped breakfast or ate as late & as little as possible during the day. When I was particularly busy with work, it was a lot easier to do.

I would have a boiled egg and Kashi granola bar for breakfast. Then a 300 calorie or less lunch from Lean Cuisine/Healthy Choice. Then some kind of 200 – 300 calorie or less snack (Jello pudding Dulce de Leche or a Dreyer’s Frozen Fruit Bar or pumpkin seeds or chocolate). And for dinner, I eat sensibly, and watch my portions.

On my Thursday girls night out nights, I usually had a sandwich with soup or salad, 2-3 blushing geishas and almond butter cake for dessert. While I did consider that a “free (aka cheat) day”, I also ate minimally during the day, banking my calories for the evening. I often “banked” calories for special occasions like date night or an Oscar party or a friend’s BBQ.

I don’t deny myself any particular kind of food, but I have found that I either no longer crave or have completely lost my taste for foods. And I take great care not to overeat, so that my stomach stays small, and easier to fill up.

THE WORKOUTS
I started out with running. I was going to focus on cardio only for MONTHS before I was going to think about anything else. I had to drop pounds first. I started in August 2009, ran the fall series, and started running regularly during the holidays.

In February 2010, I started a full time job for the first time in nine years. I used my lunch hour for walking and running 4x a week. I think I was the first one to use the shower at the library.

In May 2010, I joined May on her weekend Incline workouts. Many weekends we did it twice. One time I did it 3 times in 25 hours. We continued through the first snow on the Incline.

In June, added Cardio Kick/Tae Bo a few times a week for cardio and to start toning. Billy Blanks is awesome!

I saw an ad for the Warrior Dash on Facebook (see, those targeted ads do work sometimes). I kept hemming and hawing, and then, lo and behold, a Groupon appeared for the race, and new waves were opened up. I was in!

In July, I did Fountain YMCA Mud Run, where I met another inspiration woman, Renee Renn. Never mind there were only 4 women in age group that completed the race, I placed on the Leaderboard for the first time in my life.

Near the of July, starting to worry about the obstacles, I added P90X workouts for strength training. Ah, Tony Horton, you are a great coach!

In September, thanks to a Gazette Daily Deal (like Groupon), I started CrossFit to get more definition in my back and legs. And it’s kicking my ass. And it’s working. The fact that I get up 4x a week, before work, to do the 6 am class, is a true sign of my addiction. I have NEVER been a morning person.

THE MENTAL
Keep in mind, I have started this process many times over the past 7 years. I reached my goal once, maybe 4 years ago, but then gained it all back again. And I was nowhere near as in-shape as I am in now.

This time, I have been able to be totally committed. It was a series of fortunate events, that got me through when the previous inspiration waned. My vanity also played a HUGE part in keeping motivated.

My wake-up call came in late August 2009, when a high school friend came to vacation with us for a few days. He took A LOT of photos. And I had not realized how much I weight I had gained. I was MORTIFIED, and went so far as to untag myself from a bunch of photos he posted on Facebook. I still cringe when I look at them – I can’t bring myself to do a Before/After share yet So, I started *thinking* about losing weight. I started doing the Incline. Skipped bread or pasta on occasion. I lost a few pounds. I needed to do more.

Frankly, my initial motivation to kick into high gear, after the first 5-7 lbs loss, came from seeing an attractive former boyfriend who was in great shape. Thank God he hadn’t seen me a few months prior. I was in single digit sizes for the first time in YEARS.

Further inspired by a friend who was losing weight and running and looking great. Then I bought my first pair of pants in a size 6! Woot!

And, of course, my best friend, May, who had started doing the Incline every weekend & I have ALWAYS weighed 10+ lbs more than, even though we are the same height/build. We totally pushed each other. At one point, I was within 5 lbs of her – another catalyst to keep going.

A trip to NJ in early August was more incentive to keep going. I was going to see lots of old friends from high school, including my high school boyfriend.

The final event – the Warrior Dash. My bestie, Tiffany, came with me, and took photos. No one was more surprised than I was when I saw the pictures. I had no idea that my arms had shaped up like that. Sweet!

A trip to California in September, where I had to don a bathing suit in public, was another motivation point. So was the motorcycle endorsement class I took.

CrossFit has been awesome. The coaches & other Crossfitters push & encourage me in a way that is fun and enjoyable. I love to start my day with them, even if it is ungodly early. 3 weeks after I started Crossfit, I slipped on my first pair of Size 5 pants in 15 years!

I have to say that I finally had to had to admit that squats were working to change to my shape, when my husband actually noticed and told me he saw a difference in my ass

In November, I rewarded myself with the purchase of a shiny purple 2004 Kawasaki Vulcan Classic 800. Oh yeah! In December, I took about 8 pairs of the size 6 pants that I got earlier in the year to get altered down to a size 4. I don’t want to have to take them back to be let out again.

MAINTENANCE
After the holidays, I got into maintenance mode. I have become a little more lax with the food, but not the workouts. I briefly had a spurt where I was eating a Snickers Dark every day! Then when I had the sinus infection/migraine/ER trip in February, I gained back about 5-7 lbs. I did not like seeing those numbers on the scale again, so a couple of weeks ago, I did a quick 2 day mini-fast, which seems to have shrunk my stomach significantly and further reduce my cravings.

I’m back down to 125, which I’m happy for. That’s my maintenance weight, with a 2-3 lb swing. As long as my size 4 jeans fit me, I’m a happy camper

So there it is – my weight loss journey. I’ll admit that I live in constant fear that I’ll gain the fat back, which keeps me motivated, as does all the great pictures and compliments I have had from my husband (who lost 20 lbs himself!), my kids, my friends – and ex-boyfriends. LOL!

I have been totally neglecting this blog for a while now. Lots of things are happening, and you can catch the gist of it all through the Tweets.

I am going to start a full time job next month as the Web Administrator for the Pueblo City-County Library district. For the first time in 9 years, I will get up, get dressed and drive to work. With other people. And I’m excited about it!

During the process, I have to admit that I have had this knot in my stomach about the change this would make to the lives of my children. I have stopped and started job hunting in the last year. And each time, for one reason or another, it never worked out. And it seemed like it was always for the best.

But as I interviewed for *this* position, first on the phone, then in person – by committee, technical interview and the library director, I felt this sense of confidence and accomplishment so different from those same feelings instilled by parenting. Suddenly, I really, REALLY wanted the job.

I’ve always been a big believer that things that when things I thought I wanted don’t happen that it was simply not meant to be, and that something better is on the horizon.

Through each step of the process, I had to work hard to not get too caught up in thinking about how this is a nearly perfect job for me (if the commute were about 20 minutes shorter, it would be perfect), so that if I didn’t get the job, I wouldn’t be devastated.

Luckily the process moved quickly. I sent my application in on January 5th. On the 15th, I got a call to set up a phone interview. After my phone interview on the 20th, they called the next day to set up my onsite interview. After my full interview on January 26, they emailed on the 27th, asking for references.

I scrambled a list of clients together, then prepped them by saying that they might get a call about this job, and reassuring them that I would be able to still do maintenance on their sites, and finish up any current projects, but would not take any more new clients. During that day, three of my clients emailed me to say that they had been contacted.

The next day, I got a call letting me know that an offer was forthcoming. The following day, the offer arrived. And it was exactly what I asked for, with the added benefit of some really great benefits (optional health benefit, 15 days vacation, sick leave, personal days, 401k matching…).

I called Doug first, then ran downstairs to tell the boys. Next, I called May. That knot I was feeling was replaced with excited anticipation.

Zander says he is happy for me, and Zevan says, “I don’t want you to have a job.” But I think he felt a little bit better when I told him that this job would enable us to take actual family vacations again.

The commute will take some getting used to, but the 40 minute drive from driveway to parking lot is actually a peaceful drive with not a lot of traffic. Definitely better than my Denver commute to Navidec.

And the boys will have some adjustments. My dad will be picking the boys up from school, and taking them home with him or to Grandma’s house until Doug or I are done with our work day.

My first day at work is a paid All Staff Development Day which happens to land on President’s Day, and the boys have no school. But I know my mom will be thrilled to have the boys during the day, since her swing shift job prevents her from seeing them as often as she used to.

So, here I go, on the next leg of my life journey.

It was celebrity look a like week on Facebook, and I posted a photo of Tia Carrere.

Then a friend reminded me of this celebrity collage application:

Compare those results to the ones from pictures in 2002 and 2006.

Fun!

2006

2002

Lets101 Quizzes – fun quizzes