It’s been 5 days since Doug’s dad passed away, and I have been avoiding writing about it.

I have not been emotionally ready to sit down and do it. It’s too hard.

Sigh.

Deep breath.

From my Twitter updates, you can get the sequence of events.

Earlier that day, I was at King Soopers, making a quick grocery run. I decided to listen to my voice mails, and immediately regretted it. As I listened to Georgiana’s anguished, emotion-laden voice telling me that things were not well with dad, I felt sick to my stomach, and nearly burst into tears in the produce section. That message was followed by one from Doug with the same news.

This was part of the ups and downs of the past month. Only a few weeks ago, a hospice nurse told us the end was “imminent” and that was followed by the best week Dad had since coming home from the hospital.

While Doug was preparing dinner, I was showering off the humidity of the day. It was a Tuesday, my girls night out. I was getting ready to head to the climbing gym to boulder and then meet the girls for drinks at Shuga’s.

He came into the bathroom while I was showering, and told me that Greg called and that Doug needed to come NOW.

I hopped out of the shower, and quickly dressed, and told him to go, and that I would finish getting the boys their dinner. He got the fish off the grill, and then headed over, promising to call me when he got there to let me know if I needed to come with the boys.

Zander asked where he was going, and Doug told him that he needed to check on Grandpa.

I finished preparing the boys’ dinner, and trying to keep my “everything’s fine, I’m not panicked” look on my face. I kept up the dinner chatter.

The phone rang, and it was my brother-in-law, Tom. “He’s gone.”

I immediately burst into tears. When I hung up with Tom, my phone rang again, this time it was Doug with the same news. I sobbed again.

When I finished that phone call, the boys were, of course, very concerned and asking me what was wrong.

I took a deep breath and sat down at the table with them. “I have some very sad news. Grandpa died.”

Zander first said, “I thought you were going to say that.”

Zevan immediately burst into tears, saying, “Who’s going to let us play video games?”

“Oh sweetie, Grandma will still let you play video games.”

Then Zander became very pragmatic, saying something about death being “something that happens to all living things.”

He even comforted me, since I was now unable to stop crying, with, “Don’t worry, Mom, you still have us. And Dad. And Grandma.”

I told him that I knew that, but that I was really going to miss Grandpa, and that made me feel very sad.

He then admitted that he was sad, too. Zevan had pretty much been glum the whole time. We all sat together, intertwined.

So, I gave them a choice. They could come with me to say goodbye to Grandpa, or they could go to my parents house while I went.

Zander immediately chose my parents house. Not only that, but he asked if he could sleep over there.

When I asked him why, he simply said, “I don’t want to see Grandpa dead.” Fair enough.

Zevan said he wanted to come with me. I asked him if he was sure. He said that he was sure.

Meanwhile, two girlfriends called about meeting up at Shuga’s. I reluctantly told them the news and that I wouldn’t be going out tonight. Although I sure could have used a drink.

So, I called my parents, broke the news to them and asked them if Zander could come over. They, of course, agreed. So we packed up an overnight bag for Zander and headed over.

As soon as we walked in the door, my mom came to me, arms outstretched, and I fell into them and sobbed. Hard.

And, again, while writing this, I feel like crying again.

Deep breath.

We got Zander settled in, and then Zevan and I headed over to see Grandpa. When we got there, I think everyone was surprised to see Zevan with me. Grandma looked horrified when I told her that Zevan wanted to say goodbye to Grandpa, and said she didn’t think it was a good idea. Then gave a half-hearted, “Well, it’s up to you.”

So, Doug, Zevan and I went in to see Grandpa, with me carrying Zevan on my hip. Doug, Zevan and I hugged, and Doug started sobbing, holding us both.

The sheet was covering half of Grandpa’s face. He looked very pale, and just looked as though he was resting. Zevan looked at him curiously. I handed Zevan to Doug. I pulled the sheet back, and gave Doug’s dad a kiss on the forehead. It was so cold. Zevan watched me intently. We stayed there for a moment, then all headed back out.

Zevan seemed fine afterwards. He went upstairs to check the snack tin, that Grandma somehow remembered to fill for him, then immediately went to work on the Tinkertoys. We stayed for about an hour.

Then we headed back over to my parents’ house to spend the night there with Zander.

The past few days have gone by in a daze. Wednesday, Zander and Zevan went to their summer programs, and Thursday we went to playdate, Friday was Zander’s last day of class, and I got to visit the classroom and see what they’ve been doing for the past 3 weeks. Afterwards was our first visit to Grandma’s house since Grandpa passed. Zander corrected his “Grandma & Grandpa” to just “Grandma” and his “they” to “her.” Saturday my sister and Anderson came down and we had a family lunch. Zander played his first modified version of Dungeons and Dragons. Saturday night we went to a really fun pool party. Today the guys rode bikes while I ran. They played two sessions of D&D – once first thing this morning, and the other just before bed. And also had a video game session, where Zevan and I finished 2 more levels of Lego Star Wars – we only have one more to go!

I’m still feeling sad and numb and empty and short and confused by the loss in my heart. I don’t know what’s appropriate.

The memorial service will be on Thursday morning at 10 AM at the Shrine of Remembrance. Ashes will be spread at 9:00 AM (immediate family) and then there will be the service for extended family and friends.

Today Doug and I put the playlist for the service on my iPod.

Deep breath.

We’re just taking it as it comes. I don’t how else to proceed…

WARNING: Seriously long rambling post

Today was much better than yesterday.

Yesterday I went through some serious over-reactive rage episodes, which caused me to knock a closet door off its track, hit a wall, primal scream therapy in the car, banging on the steering wheel, lots of cussing and angry tears of frustration.

Most of this was when I was by myself. Although I did quite a bit of huffing and door slamming in the morning when the boys were home and pissed me off. But I went upstairs to do it.

Then I met with girlfriends for lunch at PF Changs. Which was great. I cried. But I also heartily laughed. Although it made me miss my daily contact with May that much more again, it was good to be with my girlfriends. The time with them nourished my soul.

On my way back, I stopped at the library to pick up books for the boys, and when I arrived at my parents house at 2:00 PM – the time I told him I would pick them up – they weren’t there.

I figured they must be late coming back from lunch, so I called my dad to find out where they were. He cheerfully informs me that THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCH.

WTF? I could feel the anger boiling up. I reminded him that I said I would pick them up at 2:00 PM. “Well, they didn’t want to go to lunch earlier.”

SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I told him that we had plans to go to Doug’s parents house and meet with his cousins before they left to go back to California, and then go to swim class at 4:00 PM.

Now there was no way we could meet that schedule.

I was livid. Fine! I told him. And I said I would pick them up from the restaurant and take them over to Doug’s parents house. I called the AFC to see if I could get them into one of the later classes just for that night. No dice. They were all completely full.

Shit. Fine. They can skip class today. Sure, we only had half a class yesterday because the power went out, and today is only the 2nd class out of 10, but whatever.

So I stayed there, answered email, did some work, and then headed to the restaurant to pick the boys up. As I drive by, on the other side of the median, I see MY DAD’S TRUCK PULLING OUT OF THE PARKING LOT.

Are you frakking kidding me? I frantically honk to get his attention, then flip a hasty u turn at the next intersection to catch up with him.

We both pull over to the next parking lot, and roll down our windows. “What are you doing? I said I would pick them up from here!”

“You did?” my dad asks, completely oblivious.

O. M . G.

I can’t even be mad because he has no frakking idea what he’s done to me today. NONE.

“Hi, mom! Hi, mom!” from the boys.

I sigh DEEPLY and start the process of transferring the booster seats and the boys.

We leave there and head to Doug’s parents house. And on the way there, Zander THROWS UP IN THE CAR.

Someone please just kill me now.

I open the windows and tell him to hang on until we get to grandma’s house. We get there, and he throws up again.

Great.

I get the boys inside, strip Zander down and hunt for extra clothes. Miraculously, I have an entire set of clothes for him stocked in the car (go me!). The puke was contained to one towel, one blanket and the floor mat. I hose those down and bring them in to wash with his clothes.

Sheesh!

Mind you, this is the first day the boys see grandpa after finding out he is dying. They both went down to say hello to him.

Later, talking to dad, he said that he noticed that Zander seemed more sad. :sniff:

So we hang out while Kristine, Dustin and Jake prepare to leave. Doug arrives to say goodbye to them. And to take over parenting duties so I can have my Tuesday night.

I relate to Doug that I’m having a really bad day, and instead of feeling comforted by him, I feel annoyed. Clearly, I am not myself. We have a snippy exchange before I go, and I leave, angry and tired.

I get home, and instead of going to the climbing gym, I lay down. And sleep for an hour. I wake up just before 8 PM, and there’s a message from my friend Lisa that she would love to meet for drinks. I consider bailing, but want to fight this urge I have to hibernate and fester.

So I call her up, and we plan to meet at Shuga’s. I have some time before she arrives, so I have a blushing geisha, the daily quiche and *the soup* while I read my latest fluffy mystery novel (Just Plain Pickled to Death by Tamar Myers). Lisa arrives, and things are good. We have a really nice conversation about everything under the sun. I feel my soul renew again. Girlfriends are just the most wonderful people to have in your life.

She orders the quiche, and I have the almond butter cake. Then I order a mojito. And suddenly, it’s 11 PM and there is only one other table occupied in the place.

After we settle up and head out, we chat briefly again outside. I feel *much* better than I would have if I stayed home.

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So, that was yesterday. Today was better. Somehow the morning got away from me, and it was suddenly 12:30 PM. I picked up lunch at Yakitori and brought it to my parents house to have lunch with them before taking them to the airport.

While they finished packing, I played a round of Candyland with the boys. It’s so funny how they still enjoy that game, and adding their own twists (like ‘walking backwards’ and ‘being invisible’ when they land on the same color as their game piece.) We tumbled around on the bed with each other and just had a nice time.

We took my parents to the airport, then headed across town to the AFC for their swim lessons. I swam 750 yards, kind of leisurely, with lots of stopping every 50 – 100 yds, changing up my breathing pattern, working on the TI techniques. 5 minutes before class ended, I showed Zevan where his towel was and said to meet me in the locker room.

There are about 40-50 kids in the pool during that session, and that makes the 6 showers in the locker room very full.

I showered long enough to be done right around the time the boys came in from their lesson. That way they didn’t have to wait in line for a shower.

For some reason, I thought Zevan would show Zander where his towel was and to meet us in the locker room, but he didn’t! After I got Zevan in the shower, I had to go and find Zander, who was looking for both of us. I always forget how specific and literal I need to be with them sometimes.

On our way home, I had a message from mom that Debbie made 3 kinds of lasagna, and could we join them for dinner? We *were* on our way to Red Robin, so I had to convince the boys of our change of plans and we headed over there.

Zander and Zevan went down and chatted with Grandpa, and watched some TV with him. That was nice to watch. Dad was feeling much better today.

We had a nice dinner with the Scott clan – Mom, Dad, Gary, Debbie, Tom and Georgiana (tonight was Doug’s night out). We made plans for another dinner together tomorrow night before Gary and Debbie headed back to California.

It was after 8 PM when we left there – and the boys didn’t get in bed until 9 PM tonight. They start their summer programs next week, and I have GOT to get them in bed by 8 PM! But with that dinner tomorrow, then camping on Friday and them spending the night with cousin Joshua on Saturday, it’s a lost cause.

Oh well. I am longing for the routine that summer programs will bring.

I got my work done for tonight, and now this blog entry. I’m going to watch Make Me a Supermodel and then crawl into bed. I’m tired.

So we talked with the boys about Grandpa tonight.

My heart is aching.

Dani brought over this wonderful book from Angela (thanks, mamas) called The Next Place

Zander is always excited for new books, and asked about, so we climbed in my lap, and he read it to me.

As he read the words, I was filled with emotion. The book was the perfect segue into the conversation we needed to have.

We talked about what they already know, that Grandpa was very sick and wasn’t going to get better. And then we simply told them that meant that Grandpa was going to die soon.

They were both quiet. Zevan turned quickly and smiled at me, I think because he thought I was joking. We asked them if they understood what we meant. They both nodded and said that they did.

We talked about Logan and Bartleby.

I asked Zander how he felt, and he said, “Sad.” And we told him that we felt sad, too, because it is a sad thing.

Then he starting sobbing. Heart-wrenching sobs as he clung to my neck. Which of course, made both Doug and I start sobbing along with him.

Zander has such a tender soul, and I knew it was going to be so hard for him. It was too much to bear. His sobs just ripped into my heart.

We encouraged him to cry and to feel sad and let him know that if he wanted to ask anything, just to ask.

Zevan just observed.

Then Zander went over to Doug and hugged him. Then Zevan climbed in my lap. Zander moved over to the big purple chair, and was so sad. Doug went over and held him. Zevan noticed The Next Place and asked me to read it to him. So I did. And Doug talked with Zander quietly while he cried.

We carried the boys up to bed and laid with them for a long while. I had one boy under each arm, and just wept quietly for a long time. Zevan dozed off, and I wrapped myself around Zander and caressed his face for a while. I noticed he wasn’t sleepy, so I asked him if he wanted to read something for a little while.

He did, and he chose “Super Diaper Baby.” I looked over his shoulder for a while, then he asked me to read it to him. So I did, and he laughed, which woke Zevan, and I ended up reading to both of them. After the book, we turned off the lights and laid down again.

Zander sniffled, and said, “I hope Grandpa is alive tomorrow.”

I assured him that he probably would be and we would visit with him.

Zevan asked, “How long until he dies?”

I told him that we didn’t know, but that we needed to enjoy our time with him while we can.

In a small sad voice, Zander said, “Well, at least I have you guys.”

I hugged him to me and said, “You sure do. And you have Grandma. And Lolo and Lola. And a lot of people who love you very much.”

I told him how it was very sad, and that it was going to be hard, but that we would help each other through.

Zevan rolled closer to me, and seemed to be sniffling, close to crying. I told him that he could cry if he wanted to. He didn’t, but made some very sad sounds.

We talked about how we would visit Grandpa tomorrow and give him big hugs.

Sigh.

Oh my heart hurts. I thought I was cried out, but now it begins anew. I don’t know how we are going to do this, but I know that we will.

I have such wonderful friends. I’m so glad for the kind words, the prayers and even more, the shared experiences with death and dying – either when they were children themselves, or how they spoke with their children about it.

THE FAMILY
My sister in law Georgiana is the heart and soul of the Scott family. She’s got dad’s power of attorney to make the decisions. She was the one at the hospital during the most harrowing time, trying to understand everything the doctors were telling her in order so she could explain things more simply for mom. She kept me and her 3 brothers updated on dad’s status. She takes pages of handwritten notes – from the doctors, from the hospice nurse.

My brother in law Greg has been down from Ft Collins as much as possible. He brought his children to see Grandpa while he was still in the hospital. I saw how hard it was on Jessica to see her grandpa in that hospital bed – she’s in her 20s. I’m not sure how much Greg has told Joshua (he’s 10), but Josh seemed to handle it well.

My brother in law Gary has called several times from California and spoke with everyone – once we get the routine settled for mom & dad here, I think he’s coming to visit.

TALKING TO THE ZBOYS ABOUT DEATH AND DYING
We are planning to be very honest with the boys about what is going on.

They know about death with a few contexts. Mostly in the circle of life type way by watching documentaries about animals and dinosaurs. And then we had the two dogs die while they were both old enough to miss them.

They are so close to their grandpa – they see 2-3 times a week, and have known him their whole lives. I mean, he picked them up from school just a few days before he went to the hospital. It has all happened so fast.

The tricky thing is that we don’t know at this point if he will live a few more days or a few more months. It’s less about death and more the DYING piece of it that I’m finding hard to explain.

I’m meeting with a mom this weekend who worked in hospice care, to see if she can give me some guidelines so I can do my best at how to best talk with them about everything going on.

AND ME?
I need to find a better way to channel this grieving-induced stress…

I’m feeling so sad and so overwhelmed.

Dad came home from the hospital today. He wanted to see the boys, so we came over with them. When they came in, kind of tentatively, I think they were relieved to see him in the usual Grandpa’s chair, wrapped in a blanket, as Grandpa usually is. They went down to say hello. And Grandpa gave his usual loving greetings to them.

The hospice nurse arrived, and we herded the boys upstairs so they didn’t have to hear that whole conversation.

They were both obsessed with the latest Captain Underpants books that we picked up at the library on our way over, so they were engrossed in their books, which was good.

It’s just so heartbreaking. He is back to being himself. But his body is failing him. Specifically, his kidneys. And now they are telling us that they attribute the kidney failure to the years of heavy Ibuprofen use to manage his pain from rheumatoid arthritis. Which he took on doctor’s orders. WTF? Why didn’t they mention this as a possible complication? I don’t even want to go there.

Deep breath.

Anyway, it turns out one of his kidneys is non-functioning, and the other is at 30%. No option for dialysis or transplant. So that’s it. He’s home and hospice care is about keeping him comfortable until he dies.

Until he dies.

And here are the words I simply am unable to use with the boys right now. They know that Grandpa is sick. They know that his kidneys don’t work (not sure if they know exactly what that means, but…). They know that he now has wheelchair and will be sleeping downstairs at his house now.

“Will it be like that for the rest of his life?” Zander asks.

“Or until he gets better?” Zevan asks.

“Well, it doesn’t look like he is going to get better. Right now, we just want Grandpa to be comfortable.”

“He’s not going to get better?” Zevan wonders. Zander looks contemplative.

And that’s pretty much it for that conversation, which was before we went to visit him.

Tonight, at bedtime, I asked them if they had any questions about Grandpa.

Zander asked, “Is Grandpa more comfortable?”

“Oh yes, I think he is very glad to be at home and sleep in his own house.”

“Oh, that’s good then.”

Zevan didn’t have a question.

And I’m still wondering what’s appropriate to tell them. I want to be honest with them, but I don’t want them to be scared. How can I do that when *I’m* scared? I haven’t even cried in front of them about it. I’m not ready to answer their questions yet.

It was hard when Logan died. Not long after that, Zevan thought I died, when I went away on a trip.

Then more recently when Bart died, and the boys were witness to it.

At this point, we don’t even know how long it will be before the kidney failure causes Dad’s death. And, let me tell you, I’m still reeling over the matter-of-factness of it during the discussion with the hospice nurse.

I just have no idea how to do this. I want to be honest and natural about it to them, but this is really my first death, too – to someone this close to me. So I’m just trying to figure it all out.

This first week, there is a plan to have someone staying the night with mom and dad while they get settled into their routine.

Then, I plan to come over a few times a week to keep mom company and also stay with dad so she can run her errands and get a break.

Mom helped me through my hardest time with the boys – and literally saved my sanity. I only hope I can provide her the same kind of support now. We had a brief talk today about Dad, and I asked her how she was holding up. She said she was just trying to understand everything.

And with Doug, I’ve asked him how he is doing with everything. And he just told me how he dislikes the whole “medical thing.” I think he must still be taking it all in. The finality of it is so hard to grasp. We’ve been through so many ups and downs this week, it’s dizzying and impossible to know what to believe.

So that’s where we are now. We’ll just take each day as it comes, I guess.

So, I have been extremely lax in the workout dept.

This week I made a pact to do *something* 5 days this week.

Monday, I did a tiny triathlon trial. I went to the Aquatic Fitness Center and swam 800 yards in 17:30. That is fast for me!

I was planning to do a swim/bike brick, and go for a ride around the lake. But I forgot my shoes! DOH! So I drove back home and got my shoes on and went for a ride up Mesa Road. I rode for 4 miles. My splits were 8/7/4/4. I got off my bike and went for a short 2 mi run. Man, were my calves tight!

During this trial I ran into some logistical issues. Like, hmmm, I can’t run wearing a swim suit. No support up top.

For that day, I changed into a jog bra and top, but that doesn’t seem practical for the race.

So I posed the question to the local trichics and ended up ordering a tri tank and tri shorts from SkirtSportsOutlet.com.

The pieces arrived on Thursday, but I haven’t had a chance to try them on yet.

On Tuesday night I went to the climbing gym with Tiffany. Totally burned out my forearms.

Wednesday morning I went for a 5k run in Monument Valley Park. It felt pretty good to just run again. I think I need to recalibrate my Nike+ iPod though – it clocked me as doing 3.21 mi in 30:53 – which is pretty much me at my fastest. I’m pretty sure my gait has shortened since the injury, which would certainly throw the calibration off to make me seem faster.

On Thursday, I went for a more leisurely 750 swim which took me about 20 minutes

Friday was the boys’ last day of school where they spent the day at Thorndale Park, so I did a lot of walking and a bit of box hauling. I figured that was enough for the day.

So I did *something* physical each day this week. It’s a start.

This week was the last week of school. It’s unfortunate that it had to coincide with all the trauma going on with Doug’s dad, but that’s life, right?

Thursday afternoon was Zander’s kindergarten transition/graduation ceremony. The kindergartners, were moving from the primary class to the lower elementary class.

Montessori schools are divided into multi-age classrooms – and spend 3 years in the same classroom.

Zander has spent three school years with his teachers, Miss Catherine and Miss Loulou, in the same classroom. Next year, he will be with a new teacher in a new classroom – in a new building.

The ceremony was so touching. The kindergartners performed 5 songs – just the cutest performance ever. It was so touching. My heart was so full.

Then they were called on stage to receive a “diploma” from the principal and a yellow rose from on older student. It was really wonderful.

I’ll post pictures as soon as I download them to this computer.

Today (Friday) was the last day of school. The plan was for all of the primary classes to walk to Thorndale Park for the day. When we woke up, it was cool, cloudy and rainy. It was still up in the air whether or not we would still go. They said to come back at 9:00 to see what we would do. I went with some parents to Starbucks until it was time to come back.

The walk was a go. I parked my car at Thorndale and walked with Lisa (another parent) to try and catch them on their way to the park. We missed their route, but caught up with them eventually and walked with them to Thorndale.

Due to budgetary restrictions, the city closed the bathrooms at the park. My parents live half a block from there, so we ended up taking about 4-5 bathroom runs to their house.

The kids had a really great time. The sun came out for a while, and we had snack and lunch there.

When it was time to go back, Zander and Zevan decided they didn’t want to go back to school, so we stayed at the park with friends (who will be attending BV next year). The kids said good-bye to their teachers.

Tonight was the farewell ceremony at Buena Vista. There was a performance by a singing group – which went on a little too long for some of the kids, including mine. Then the children sang their farewell song, “You’re a Grand Old School,” to the school (yes, I totally choked up on that one). Then there was a speech from a woman who had attended Buena Vista as a kindergarten student in 1929. She told some really interesting stories (again, went on a little long for my kids). Then there was a slideshow of photos from the dance and field day. Then we all sang “You’re a Grand Old School” Then the reception with cookies and lemonade.

There was a really good turn-out. Lots of parents, staff and current/former students.

I’m really going to miss that place. I’m sad we have to leave it.