I have been totally neglecting this blog for a while now. Lots of things are happening, and you can catch the gist of it all through the Tweets.

I am going to start a full time job next month as the Web Administrator for the Pueblo City-County Library district. For the first time in 9 years, I will get up, get dressed and drive to work. With other people. And I’m excited about it!

During the process, I have to admit that I have had this knot in my stomach about the change this would make to the lives of my children. I have stopped and started job hunting in the last year. And each time, for one reason or another, it never worked out. And it seemed like it was always for the best.

But as I interviewed for *this* position, first on the phone, then in person – by committee, technical interview and the library director, I felt this sense of confidence and accomplishment so different from those same feelings instilled by parenting. Suddenly, I really, REALLY wanted the job.

I’ve always been a big believer that things that when things I thought I wanted don’t happen that it was simply not meant to be, and that something better is on the horizon.

Through each step of the process, I had to work hard to not get too caught up in thinking about how this is a nearly perfect job for me (if the commute were about 20 minutes shorter, it would be perfect), so that if I didn’t get the job, I wouldn’t be devastated.

Luckily the process moved quickly. I sent my application in on January 5th. On the 15th, I got a call to set up a phone interview. After my phone interview on the 20th, they called the next day to set up my onsite interview. After my full interview on January 26, they emailed on the 27th, asking for references.

I scrambled a list of clients together, then prepped them by saying that they might get a call about this job, and reassuring them that I would be able to still do maintenance on their sites, and finish up any current projects, but would not take any more new clients. During that day, three of my clients emailed me to say that they had been contacted.

The next day, I got a call letting me know that an offer was forthcoming. The following day, the offer arrived. And it was exactly what I asked for, with the added benefit of some really great benefits (optional health benefit, 15 days vacation, sick leave, personal days, 401k matching…).

I called Doug first, then ran downstairs to tell the boys. Next, I called May. That knot I was feeling was replaced with excited anticipation.

Zander says he is happy for me, and Zevan says, “I don’t want you to have a job.” But I think he felt a little bit better when I told him that this job would enable us to take actual family vacations again.

The commute will take some getting used to, but the 40 minute drive from driveway to parking lot is actually a peaceful drive with not a lot of traffic. Definitely better than my Denver commute to Navidec.

And the boys will have some adjustments. My dad will be picking the boys up from school, and taking them home with him or to Grandma’s house until Doug or I are done with our work day.

My first day at work is a paid All Staff Development Day which happens to land on President’s Day, and the boys have no school. But I know my mom will be thrilled to have the boys during the day, since her swing shift job prevents her from seeing them as often as she used to.

So, here I go, on the next leg of my life journey.

It’s been AGES since I made an actual post.

Some bullet points to get caught up.

Zander and Zevan started school on August 18th. Our first year tuition free and full day. Woo hoo! The transition for them was seamless.

We’re still working out the pick up/drop off logistics at school. But we’re doing good so far.

THE HITTING AND THE SPITTING

Zevan’s teacher pulled me aside on the 2nd day of school to let me know that Zevan had been hitting other kids during recess for the first two days.

Great.

This comes on the heels of a playdate incident where Zevan hit a friend of his *with a stick* because “he wouldn’t leave me alone. I said I didn’t want to play that game with him, and he kept following me around.” Zevan was punished for that, and got an earful from me.

Also, I found out that he and Zander both were spitting/mock-spitting on friends’ plates at a cookout.

I was totally at the end of my rope with both of them. I couldn’t believe what they were doing. I was LIVID and devastated from disappointment.

So they both got a HUGE lecture from me all the way from school to grandma’s house. I immediately told them there would be no video games at grandma’s house that day. I told them how mortified and disappointed and sad I was. And totally laid it all out for them that they were *on notice.*

They were sufficiently contrite and apologetic. They knew I was pissed.

I totally went overboard and said they were not even to pretend to hit each other or another person. They did pretty well, too. Although it was a little disconcerting that they would be so happy to announce, “I didn’t hit anyone today.”

On Saturday, in the car, they got into a fight on the way home from our hike. They immediately lost their video game privileges for the weekend with no chance to earn it back. Yeah, I think it’s sinking in now.

ZANDER’S ALLERGY TEST AND BLOOD DRAW

Zander’s allergies have gotten more severe lately. After inadvertently eating a cookie that caused a reaction, we were in the pediatrician’s office a few days later for an RX for an epi-pen. Shortly afterwards, we were at an allergist where we both got allergy testing done. And it HURT. Ow. It hurt me, so I know it really hurt his little back. He cried for a long while during and after the back pricks. I felt so bad for him. He was a trooper.

We discussed it, and he decided that he would like to try allergy shots. I said I would do it with him, too. And the day they were supposed to make the serum, they called and said he had only done a screening allergy test, and would have to come back for more. I knew there was no way he would do it again so soon. She said he could do a blood test instead. I gave him a choice and he chose the blood test.

Zevan, who had recently had shots at his last well check, told Zander, “It’s okay. Shots don’t really hurt that much.”

So we finally went for the blood draw today. He sat on my lap, and I told him that it would be better if he didn’t watch, but he wanted to watch. She put the needle in, and she had to take 3 vials from him. The needle must have been bumping up against his vein because it was hurting him. She kept backing it out a bit, and he said it felt better each time, but then said it hurt. After she finally pulled the needle out, he got woozy and pale. He didn’t cry, but he did moan a bit. I am pretty sure he was close to passing out. Zevan remarked, “His face is a different color.” So I coached him through some deep breaths and told him to close his eyes. He was SUCH a trooper. And despite all that, he admitted that it was MUCH better than doing another allergy test. Poor little guy.

Zander is reading The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordin.

***START SPOILER ALERT***

I pre-read it a bit and realized that the mom is killed fairly early in the book.

Now, our boys, to my knowledge, have never seen the actual beginning of Finding Nemo when his siblings and mom are killed. Nor have they seen the trampling scene in The Lion King. Or Bambi. But they have seen tons of Animal Planet shows and are well aware of the circle of life. And, of course, their grandpa just died a couple of months ago. Naturally, I was concerned about how reading this might affect him.

He’s been obsessively reading it since for the past day. He even took it to school with him. On the way home today, I asked him what was going on in the book. He told me – excitedly – that “Percy Jackson just killed a minotaur!”

He described the battle vividly. This is the part of the book where the mom is killed, which he didn’t mention, so I probed, and asked him why Percy attacked the minotaur.

Zander answered that he was after Percy’s friend Grover. We talked about Grover a bit. Then I asked if anyone else got hurt. He replied, “Percy’s mom.”

“What happened to her?”

He hesitated, and then said, “She got killed.” And he talked more about Grover and the battle.

I didn’t want to make a HUGE deal of it, so I finally said, “Bummer about his mom.”

“Yeah, it was a bummer.”

And that was that. I know that Percy does address his grief in an upcoming chapter, so we’ll see if that prompts any questions or if he just reads on.

***END SPOILER ALERT***

Zander’s is really doing great with his two wheel bike riding. Zevan was doing pretty good, too, until he had a decent fall where he ended up with a road rash on his elbow. Ow. He’s been less than enthusiastic about riding since then, but we’re working on it.

Both boys have been playing D&D with Doug and recently finished an adventure. We all played Cadoo last night, and that was fun. Although Zevan was suddenly shy about acting things out.

Zevan is definitely going through a behavioral transition period. A couple of months ago, I put the hammer down, and we had a heart-to-heart about his behavior. And I think that he has been really trying to do better. Other than the recent hitting/spitting incidents, anyway.

Zevan has been reading a lot more lately. Lots of comic books, and, of course, the Captain Underpants series. He’s also quite the comedian. He’s also been a little less selfish and a little more empathetic. These are good things.

That’s it for tonight. More soon, hopefully.

The memorial service for dad (George Scott) will be held at 10:00 AM today at the Shrine of Remembrance.

Hi Dad,

From the moment we met in Doug’s bachelor kitchen, you were open-minded and respectful of me.

When I married your son, you welcomed me into the family with an open heart.

I never felt like an “in-law” – you treated me like a daughter, and supported me through some difficult times.

Since Zander and Zevan came into your life, they have had the most doting and loving grandpa two boys could ever have.

From the time they were infants, you spoiled them as every grandparent does, with toys and with your love.

I’m so grateful that you were so much a part of their lives, and helped shape them into the boys they are now, and the men they will become.

And I appreciate that you raised a son who is loving, respectful, encouraging and supportive to me and his sons.

I already miss you so much. I hope you know much I love you.

Maida

It’s been 5 days since Doug’s dad passed away, and I have been avoiding writing about it.

I have not been emotionally ready to sit down and do it. It’s too hard.

Sigh.

Deep breath.

From my Twitter updates, you can get the sequence of events.

Earlier that day, I was at King Soopers, making a quick grocery run. I decided to listen to my voice mails, and immediately regretted it. As I listened to Georgiana’s anguished, emotion-laden voice telling me that things were not well with dad, I felt sick to my stomach, and nearly burst into tears in the produce section. That message was followed by one from Doug with the same news.

This was part of the ups and downs of the past month. Only a few weeks ago, a hospice nurse told us the end was “imminent” and that was followed by the best week Dad had since coming home from the hospital.

While Doug was preparing dinner, I was showering off the humidity of the day. It was a Tuesday, my girls night out. I was getting ready to head to the climbing gym to boulder and then meet the girls for drinks at Shuga’s.

He came into the bathroom while I was showering, and told me that Greg called and that Doug needed to come NOW.

I hopped out of the shower, and quickly dressed, and told him to go, and that I would finish getting the boys their dinner. He got the fish off the grill, and then headed over, promising to call me when he got there to let me know if I needed to come with the boys.

Zander asked where he was going, and Doug told him that he needed to check on Grandpa.

I finished preparing the boys’ dinner, and trying to keep my “everything’s fine, I’m not panicked” look on my face. I kept up the dinner chatter.

The phone rang, and it was my brother-in-law, Tom. “He’s gone.”

I immediately burst into tears. When I hung up with Tom, my phone rang again, this time it was Doug with the same news. I sobbed again.

When I finished that phone call, the boys were, of course, very concerned and asking me what was wrong.

I took a deep breath and sat down at the table with them. “I have some very sad news. Grandpa died.”

Zander first said, “I thought you were going to say that.”

Zevan immediately burst into tears, saying, “Who’s going to let us play video games?”

“Oh sweetie, Grandma will still let you play video games.”

Then Zander became very pragmatic, saying something about death being “something that happens to all living things.”

He even comforted me, since I was now unable to stop crying, with, “Don’t worry, Mom, you still have us. And Dad. And Grandma.”

I told him that I knew that, but that I was really going to miss Grandpa, and that made me feel very sad.

He then admitted that he was sad, too. Zevan had pretty much been glum the whole time. We all sat together, intertwined.

So, I gave them a choice. They could come with me to say goodbye to Grandpa, or they could go to my parents house while I went.

Zander immediately chose my parents house. Not only that, but he asked if he could sleep over there.

When I asked him why, he simply said, “I don’t want to see Grandpa dead.” Fair enough.

Zevan said he wanted to come with me. I asked him if he was sure. He said that he was sure.

Meanwhile, two girlfriends called about meeting up at Shuga’s. I reluctantly told them the news and that I wouldn’t be going out tonight. Although I sure could have used a drink.

So, I called my parents, broke the news to them and asked them if Zander could come over. They, of course, agreed. So we packed up an overnight bag for Zander and headed over.

As soon as we walked in the door, my mom came to me, arms outstretched, and I fell into them and sobbed. Hard.

And, again, while writing this, I feel like crying again.

Deep breath.

We got Zander settled in, and then Zevan and I headed over to see Grandpa. When we got there, I think everyone was surprised to see Zevan with me. Grandma looked horrified when I told her that Zevan wanted to say goodbye to Grandpa, and said she didn’t think it was a good idea. Then gave a half-hearted, “Well, it’s up to you.”

So, Doug, Zevan and I went in to see Grandpa, with me carrying Zevan on my hip. Doug, Zevan and I hugged, and Doug started sobbing, holding us both.

The sheet was covering half of Grandpa’s face. He looked very pale, and just looked as though he was resting. Zevan looked at him curiously. I handed Zevan to Doug. I pulled the sheet back, and gave Doug’s dad a kiss on the forehead. It was so cold. Zevan watched me intently. We stayed there for a moment, then all headed back out.

Zevan seemed fine afterwards. He went upstairs to check the snack tin, that Grandma somehow remembered to fill for him, then immediately went to work on the Tinkertoys. We stayed for about an hour.

Then we headed back over to my parents’ house to spend the night there with Zander.

The past few days have gone by in a daze. Wednesday, Zander and Zevan went to their summer programs, and Thursday we went to playdate, Friday was Zander’s last day of class, and I got to visit the classroom and see what they’ve been doing for the past 3 weeks. Afterwards was our first visit to Grandma’s house since Grandpa passed. Zander corrected his “Grandma & Grandpa” to just “Grandma” and his “they” to “her.” Saturday my sister and Anderson came down and we had a family lunch. Zander played his first modified version of Dungeons and Dragons. Saturday night we went to a really fun pool party. Today the guys rode bikes while I ran. They played two sessions of D&D – once first thing this morning, and the other just before bed. And also had a video game session, where Zevan and I finished 2 more levels of Lego Star Wars – we only have one more to go!

I’m still feeling sad and numb and empty and short and confused by the loss in my heart. I don’t know what’s appropriate.

The memorial service will be on Thursday morning at 10 AM at the Shrine of Remembrance. Ashes will be spread at 9:00 AM (immediate family) and then there will be the service for extended family and friends.

Today Doug and I put the playlist for the service on my iPod.

Deep breath.

We’re just taking it as it comes. I don’t how else to proceed…

WARNING: Seriously long rambling post

Today was much better than yesterday.

Yesterday I went through some serious over-reactive rage episodes, which caused me to knock a closet door off its track, hit a wall, primal scream therapy in the car, banging on the steering wheel, lots of cussing and angry tears of frustration.

Most of this was when I was by myself. Although I did quite a bit of huffing and door slamming in the morning when the boys were home and pissed me off. But I went upstairs to do it.

Then I met with girlfriends for lunch at PF Changs. Which was great. I cried. But I also heartily laughed. Although it made me miss my daily contact with May that much more again, it was good to be with my girlfriends. The time with them nourished my soul.

On my way back, I stopped at the library to pick up books for the boys, and when I arrived at my parents house at 2:00 PM – the time I told him I would pick them up – they weren’t there.

I figured they must be late coming back from lunch, so I called my dad to find out where they were. He cheerfully informs me that THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY TO LUNCH.

WTF? I could feel the anger boiling up. I reminded him that I said I would pick them up at 2:00 PM. “Well, they didn’t want to go to lunch earlier.”

SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I told him that we had plans to go to Doug’s parents house and meet with his cousins before they left to go back to California, and then go to swim class at 4:00 PM.

Now there was no way we could meet that schedule.

I was livid. Fine! I told him. And I said I would pick them up from the restaurant and take them over to Doug’s parents house. I called the AFC to see if I could get them into one of the later classes just for that night. No dice. They were all completely full.

Shit. Fine. They can skip class today. Sure, we only had half a class yesterday because the power went out, and today is only the 2nd class out of 10, but whatever.

So I stayed there, answered email, did some work, and then headed to the restaurant to pick the boys up. As I drive by, on the other side of the median, I see MY DAD’S TRUCK PULLING OUT OF THE PARKING LOT.

Are you frakking kidding me? I frantically honk to get his attention, then flip a hasty u turn at the next intersection to catch up with him.

We both pull over to the next parking lot, and roll down our windows. “What are you doing? I said I would pick them up from here!”

“You did?” my dad asks, completely oblivious.

O. M . G.

I can’t even be mad because he has no frakking idea what he’s done to me today. NONE.

“Hi, mom! Hi, mom!” from the boys.

I sigh DEEPLY and start the process of transferring the booster seats and the boys.

We leave there and head to Doug’s parents house. And on the way there, Zander THROWS UP IN THE CAR.

Someone please just kill me now.

I open the windows and tell him to hang on until we get to grandma’s house. We get there, and he throws up again.

Great.

I get the boys inside, strip Zander down and hunt for extra clothes. Miraculously, I have an entire set of clothes for him stocked in the car (go me!). The puke was contained to one towel, one blanket and the floor mat. I hose those down and bring them in to wash with his clothes.

Sheesh!

Mind you, this is the first day the boys see grandpa after finding out he is dying. They both went down to say hello to him.

Later, talking to dad, he said that he noticed that Zander seemed more sad. :sniff:

So we hang out while Kristine, Dustin and Jake prepare to leave. Doug arrives to say goodbye to them. And to take over parenting duties so I can have my Tuesday night.

I relate to Doug that I’m having a really bad day, and instead of feeling comforted by him, I feel annoyed. Clearly, I am not myself. We have a snippy exchange before I go, and I leave, angry and tired.

I get home, and instead of going to the climbing gym, I lay down. And sleep for an hour. I wake up just before 8 PM, and there’s a message from my friend Lisa that she would love to meet for drinks. I consider bailing, but want to fight this urge I have to hibernate and fester.

So I call her up, and we plan to meet at Shuga’s. I have some time before she arrives, so I have a blushing geisha, the daily quiche and *the soup* while I read my latest fluffy mystery novel (Just Plain Pickled to Death by Tamar Myers). Lisa arrives, and things are good. We have a really nice conversation about everything under the sun. I feel my soul renew again. Girlfriends are just the most wonderful people to have in your life.

She orders the quiche, and I have the almond butter cake. Then I order a mojito. And suddenly, it’s 11 PM and there is only one other table occupied in the place.

After we settle up and head out, we chat briefly again outside. I feel *much* better than I would have if I stayed home.

---

So, that was yesterday. Today was better. Somehow the morning got away from me, and it was suddenly 12:30 PM. I picked up lunch at Yakitori and brought it to my parents house to have lunch with them before taking them to the airport.

While they finished packing, I played a round of Candyland with the boys. It’s so funny how they still enjoy that game, and adding their own twists (like ‘walking backwards’ and ‘being invisible’ when they land on the same color as their game piece.) We tumbled around on the bed with each other and just had a nice time.

We took my parents to the airport, then headed across town to the AFC for their swim lessons. I swam 750 yards, kind of leisurely, with lots of stopping every 50 – 100 yds, changing up my breathing pattern, working on the TI techniques. 5 minutes before class ended, I showed Zevan where his towel was and said to meet me in the locker room.

There are about 40-50 kids in the pool during that session, and that makes the 6 showers in the locker room very full.

I showered long enough to be done right around the time the boys came in from their lesson. That way they didn’t have to wait in line for a shower.

For some reason, I thought Zevan would show Zander where his towel was and to meet us in the locker room, but he didn’t! After I got Zevan in the shower, I had to go and find Zander, who was looking for both of us. I always forget how specific and literal I need to be with them sometimes.

On our way home, I had a message from mom that Debbie made 3 kinds of lasagna, and could we join them for dinner? We *were* on our way to Red Robin, so I had to convince the boys of our change of plans and we headed over there.

Zander and Zevan went down and chatted with Grandpa, and watched some TV with him. That was nice to watch. Dad was feeling much better today.

We had a nice dinner with the Scott clan – Mom, Dad, Gary, Debbie, Tom and Georgiana (tonight was Doug’s night out). We made plans for another dinner together tomorrow night before Gary and Debbie headed back to California.

It was after 8 PM when we left there – and the boys didn’t get in bed until 9 PM tonight. They start their summer programs next week, and I have GOT to get them in bed by 8 PM! But with that dinner tomorrow, then camping on Friday and them spending the night with cousin Joshua on Saturday, it’s a lost cause.

Oh well. I am longing for the routine that summer programs will bring.

I got my work done for tonight, and now this blog entry. I’m going to watch Make Me a Supermodel and then crawl into bed. I’m tired.

So we talked with the boys about Grandpa tonight.

My heart is aching.

Dani brought over this wonderful book from Angela (thanks, mamas) called The Next Place

Zander is always excited for new books, and asked about, so we climbed in my lap, and he read it to me.

As he read the words, I was filled with emotion. The book was the perfect segue into the conversation we needed to have.

We talked about what they already know, that Grandpa was very sick and wasn’t going to get better. And then we simply told them that meant that Grandpa was going to die soon.

They were both quiet. Zevan turned quickly and smiled at me, I think because he thought I was joking. We asked them if they understood what we meant. They both nodded and said that they did.

We talked about Logan and Bartleby.

I asked Zander how he felt, and he said, “Sad.” And we told him that we felt sad, too, because it is a sad thing.

Then he starting sobbing. Heart-wrenching sobs as he clung to my neck. Which of course, made both Doug and I start sobbing along with him.

Zander has such a tender soul, and I knew it was going to be so hard for him. It was too much to bear. His sobs just ripped into my heart.

We encouraged him to cry and to feel sad and let him know that if he wanted to ask anything, just to ask.

Zevan just observed.

Then Zander went over to Doug and hugged him. Then Zevan climbed in my lap. Zander moved over to the big purple chair, and was so sad. Doug went over and held him. Zevan noticed The Next Place and asked me to read it to him. So I did. And Doug talked with Zander quietly while he cried.

We carried the boys up to bed and laid with them for a long while. I had one boy under each arm, and just wept quietly for a long time. Zevan dozed off, and I wrapped myself around Zander and caressed his face for a while. I noticed he wasn’t sleepy, so I asked him if he wanted to read something for a little while.

He did, and he chose “Super Diaper Baby.” I looked over his shoulder for a while, then he asked me to read it to him. So I did, and he laughed, which woke Zevan, and I ended up reading to both of them. After the book, we turned off the lights and laid down again.

Zander sniffled, and said, “I hope Grandpa is alive tomorrow.”

I assured him that he probably would be and we would visit with him.

Zevan asked, “How long until he dies?”

I told him that we didn’t know, but that we needed to enjoy our time with him while we can.

In a small sad voice, Zander said, “Well, at least I have you guys.”

I hugged him to me and said, “You sure do. And you have Grandma. And Lolo and Lola. And a lot of people who love you very much.”

I told him how it was very sad, and that it was going to be hard, but that we would help each other through.

Zevan rolled closer to me, and seemed to be sniffling, close to crying. I told him that he could cry if he wanted to. He didn’t, but made some very sad sounds.

We talked about how we would visit Grandpa tomorrow and give him big hugs.

Sigh.

Oh my heart hurts. I thought I was cried out, but now it begins anew. I don’t know how we are going to do this, but I know that we will.

I have such wonderful friends. I’m so glad for the kind words, the prayers and even more, the shared experiences with death and dying – either when they were children themselves, or how they spoke with their children about it.

THE FAMILY
My sister in law Georgiana is the heart and soul of the Scott family. She’s got dad’s power of attorney to make the decisions. She was the one at the hospital during the most harrowing time, trying to understand everything the doctors were telling her in order so she could explain things more simply for mom. She kept me and her 3 brothers updated on dad’s status. She takes pages of handwritten notes – from the doctors, from the hospice nurse.

My brother in law Greg has been down from Ft Collins as much as possible. He brought his children to see Grandpa while he was still in the hospital. I saw how hard it was on Jessica to see her grandpa in that hospital bed – she’s in her 20s. I’m not sure how much Greg has told Joshua (he’s 10), but Josh seemed to handle it well.

My brother in law Gary has called several times from California and spoke with everyone – once we get the routine settled for mom & dad here, I think he’s coming to visit.

TALKING TO THE ZBOYS ABOUT DEATH AND DYING
We are planning to be very honest with the boys about what is going on.

They know about death with a few contexts. Mostly in the circle of life type way by watching documentaries about animals and dinosaurs. And then we had the two dogs die while they were both old enough to miss them.

They are so close to their grandpa – they see 2-3 times a week, and have known him their whole lives. I mean, he picked them up from school just a few days before he went to the hospital. It has all happened so fast.

The tricky thing is that we don’t know at this point if he will live a few more days or a few more months. It’s less about death and more the DYING piece of it that I’m finding hard to explain.

I’m meeting with a mom this weekend who worked in hospice care, to see if she can give me some guidelines so I can do my best at how to best talk with them about everything going on.

AND ME?
I need to find a better way to channel this grieving-induced stress…