Yesterday my friend at Visionary Mom posted this as her status:
“you never know the difference you make, or the impact you have on someone, or how WHO you are will help someone through some tough stuff years later. I’m wishing the people I know a huge dose of peace and love. ♥
all this to say ~ don’t hold back, be who you are, give with all your heart.
it matters and makes a difference.”
Which immediately made me think of an old friend, and how our time together – and who he was back then – helped me through some tough times even after I left Grand Forks. And that, in turn, allowed me to fall in love with and marry a “good guy,” like he was, who loves me for who I am, is strong and recognizes that I sometimes need to be protected & taken care of, even when I don’t know it myself.
Then, I thought of how a recent – brief – time as friends again instigated and fueled my physical transformation journey. Which led to a harsh period of self-reflection and uncertainty, where he was again a life raft for me anytime I felt like I was drowning. He always knew what to say, bluntly and unapologetically.
Then he suddenly cut communications, which caused me bewildering heartache, but even that incident pushed me deeper into my soul-searching.
I have reconnected with two other friends from my past (air force GFAFB & college UCCS) who like who I am now, and remind me of who I was then. And you know what? I’ve always been the same person inside.
It has been my *perception* of who I am that has changed over the years. All that self-loathing, depression & apologetic self-doubt throughout most of my adolescent & adult life – all that came from not HONESTLY accepting who I am. Sure, I have always said that I don’t care what other people think. But I do. I don’t care what *everyone* thinks, but I care what the people I love and who love me think.
When I read Lisbeth’s blog post, it hit my soul profoundly, particularly the last four statements:
“I’m the one who scares you sometimes. That’s okay. My intensity scares me sometimes too.
I know I make some people nuts. It’s not cool to have this much passion for life, this much drive, this much fun just breathing and talking and doing. My officemates must think I’m daft because I laugh out loud so much. I can’t help it. People — and life — are just so damn funny. I laugh out loud all day long.
I am, finally, after so many years, comfortable in my own skin.
I am me. And I’m betting I am part of you too.”
I feel like I’m finally where I need to be – physically & spiritually.
I’m finally here.