A few more words about the boys and grandpa
I have such wonderful friends. I’m so glad for the kind words, the prayers and even more, the shared experiences with death and dying – either when they were children themselves, or how they spoke with their children about it.
THE FAMILY
My sister in law Georgiana is the heart and soul of the Scott family. She’s got dad’s power of attorney to make the decisions. She was the one at the hospital during the most harrowing time, trying to understand everything the doctors were telling her in order so she could explain things more simply for mom. She kept me and her 3 brothers updated on dad’s status. She takes pages of handwritten notes – from the doctors, from the hospice nurse.
My brother in law Greg has been down from Ft Collins as much as possible. He brought his children to see Grandpa while he was still in the hospital. I saw how hard it was on Jessica to see her grandpa in that hospital bed – she’s in her 20s. I’m not sure how much Greg has told Joshua (he’s 10), but Josh seemed to handle it well.
My brother in law Gary has called several times from California and spoke with everyone – once we get the routine settled for mom & dad here, I think he’s coming to visit.
TALKING TO THE ZBOYS ABOUT DEATH AND DYING
We are planning to be very honest with the boys about what is going on.
They know about death with a few contexts. Mostly in the circle of life type way by watching documentaries about animals and dinosaurs. And then we had the two dogs die while they were both old enough to miss them.
They are so close to their grandpa – they see 2-3 times a week, and have known him their whole lives. I mean, he picked them up from school just a few days before he went to the hospital. It has all happened so fast.
The tricky thing is that we don’t know at this point if he will live a few more days or a few more months. It’s less about death and more the DYING piece of it that I’m finding hard to explain.
I’m meeting with a mom this weekend who worked in hospice care, to see if she can give me some guidelines so I can do my best at how to best talk with them about everything going on.
AND ME?
I need to find a better way to channel this grieving-induced stress…
It sounds like everything is as under control as it can be. Which makes it even harder to relax, because you feel like there is always something more you could do, even when you know in your heart that there isn’t.
I think you already have 2 great outlets for the grieving & stress: exercise and writing. Keep up with those as much as you can. And keep taking those breaths when coping with 2 healthy young boys doing all they can to drive you to distraction. Avoid breaking things or putting holes in walls (2 things I am way too familiar with) and you should be good. Just keep talking and writing through it, the worst thing you could do is go into hibernation.
I remember when my grandma died when I was 8. We had been living with her for years (she taught me to read), and no one told my brother and I what was going on. The teachers held us at school instead of letting us go home, a neighbor picked us up and when we finally got home, she just wasn’t there anymore. No one explained anything and it was really confusing for both of us (my brother was 9). I remember vividly that the first time I cried about it (and we were really close) was after we had moved back in with my mom, more than a year later. I had complete hysterics one night- that’s when I finally understood. So I think it’s wonderful that you’re so carefully considering how to deal with this for the boys and in the long run it will be a real blessing that you were honest and supportive and realistic about it.
My $.02, for what it’s worth:
be yourself
cry in front of your children
say what feels right for you and right for them
trust yourself, and trust the process
realize Doug is doing a whole retrospective of his life, even if he won’t talk to you about it
take the boys over while grandpa can still interact with them–but think twice about it after he is unable to really BE with them
let the boys see him after he dies, talk to him, touch him…. I know it sounds strange, but I was so struck at how my boys (then 6 and 8) interacted with my mom after she died.
FYI- you can keep the body for up to 24 hours after death. Don’t let anyone rush you!!!! We all spent the night with granny, and it was amazingly powerful.
apologies if this is too blunt…. but I think they are important things to be said.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoooxxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooxxx!!!!!!!
I am so sorry – it’s a heartbreaking thing to go through. A similar thing happened with my dad last year and it was a long 3 months before he passed away. those months were tough, but I began to appreciate life so much more than I did before. the thing that gave me the most peace was that he was no longer in pain, or frustrated with his quality of life. It was my first big loss as well and I still miss him everyday, but I have so many good memories to keep me company. He was an amazing man, just like it sounds like your father-in-law is. Big hugs to you and your family – it’s such a tough thing to go through.