Errr…

   Uh…

Well, I’m doing good with my training.  Running 4-5 times per week.  I’m glad for that.  I’ve seen progress in my endurance and speed.  The Take 5 in the Garden race kicked my ass.  I think I actually prefer running for the fun of it now.  Running in the Garden of the Gods and on Barr Trail – some of the most beautiful scenery on the planet, people!    

I’m not doing so well in the food department.  I simply haven’t been watching what I eat.  I am able to exercise portion control at meals, but my snacks…  let’s just say that I *love* Nachos.  So easy, so satisfying, so cheesy.  And salsa is so low calorie with good ingredients, right? 

On Tuesday night, at the climbing gym, May and I made a pact of 5 lbs in 5 weeks (or less – for May).   And I’m trying.  We went to the movies last night after dinner.  I didn’t get popcorn or candy or soda.  I just watched the movie and ate 3 of Doug’s Jolly Rancher Gummis.

I am putting this in writing:  I will be in bed by 12:30 AM every night this week.  I am a TOTAL night owl, and usually work until at least 1 AM, sometimes later.  So this is going to be a challenge for me.  Last night I went to bed at 11:30 PM!  When Zander got up at 6:30 AM, I was okay with it instead of being completely irritated.

I went to my physical therapist yesterday who is treating me for sciatic pain.  Whenever I leave her office, it feels great for a day or two.     It totally comes and goes.  I’m doing my stretches, and icing, but it’s just, literally, a pain in my ass.

And lastly, in the spirit of full disclosure, I went to see Dr. Kania today.  About my emotional issues.  About feeling overwhelmed.  About feeling guilty.  About feeling angry.  About feeling like the walls are closing in on me.  About feeling that everything is just piling up and I can’t keep up.  About feeling like a bad mom.   About feeling like a bad wife.  About feeling like a bad friend.  About feeling like a horrible, horrible person.

About my DEPRESSION. 

I don’t know what I expected, but I was so relieved when she was so understanding and warm and matter of fact about it.  She even said that I *deserved* to feel better. 

She told me how good it was for me to take the first step in asking for help.  That it’s a hard thing, that the feeling is always, “If I could just get my act together…”

Those are the exact words I have been telling myself for years now!  Why can’t I get my act together?  What is WRONG with me?  Other people have the same or harder life situations and they do fine.  Why can’t *I* do it?

So there you have it.  I’m *finally* getting some help for my brain.  It’s about time, right?!

They were in my office when my dad called to tell me, and I said, “Oh no…” and Zander immediately asked what was wrong.  Then I went to tell Doug, and of course, burst into tears.  So the boys came in asking what was wrong.  We looked at each other, and I said, “We should tell them.”  It didn’t feel right to lie to them, so we each pulled a boy into our laps and sat on the bed. 

Doug did all the talking.  I don’t remember his exact words, but he basically said that Logan was very old and was not very healthy.  And that he had died.  And that “Mommy is very sad because she is going to miss him very much.” 

Zevan (just turned 3) seemed more concerned about me being sad than about Logan dying.  Later that day, I was feeling sad, and he was acting cranky, so I asked him if he would lay down with me for a few minutes.  We cuddled on the bed and after about 20 minutes, he got up and said, “I feel better.”  “Me, too,” I said.

Zander (4 1/2)  has grieved for Logan, and the two times we’ve mentioned Logan since, his little eyes well up with tears and he starts rubbing them.  It’s so heartbreaking.    But we tell him that it’s okay for him to cry about it if he feels sad about it.  And that he might feel sad for a while.  Doug was particularly vocal about him letting out his feelings.   

Now, our boys watch a lot of Animal Planet/Discovery shows where death is matter-of-factly portrayed as a part of life.  So, we’re pretty sure they get what death is. 

Ironically, they’ve never seen the scene in Lion King where Simba’s dad dies or in Finding Nemo where Nemo’s mom and siblings die, or even in Land Before Time where Little Foot’s mom dies.  We skip those parts right now.  I think having it anthropomorphized that way makes it too emotional for them right now.  I don’t want them asking about our deaths just yet.

I’m still so, so, sad.  Today I went to my parents house in the morning.  My mom greeted me with a big hug and condolences.  She said that she was remembering Logan from my wedding (we put bow ties on the dogs at home).  I told her about my dream of Logan the night before he died.

Bartleby wouldn’t eat his dogfood or even drink any water. 

My dad took him for a walk around the neighborhood and they got attacked by some large random dog just walking around, unleashed and unattended!  My dad was kicking the other dog to get him off of Bart and a bystander stepped in to help my dad.  Can you imagine?! 

When my mom dropped off the boys today, she said to Zander, “Tell mom how you were grieving today.”

Zander tells me, “I was thinking about Logan and then I was crying just like you did.” So, I told him that Logan was now in Doggie Heaven and God was taking care of him.  That made him feel better.  We sat on the couch and hugged.  He later told me that he was looking at a picture of me, Doug, Logan and Bart (pre-kids) and it made him sad.   

When our family dog died, I wasn’t living at home anymore, so I was distanced from it.  I didn’t realize how hard his loss would hit me until now.

I’m a wreck!  I just keep crying randomly throughout the day. 

I’ve just been randomly crying all day. 

I went to my dad’s house so that we could take him to the Humane Society to be cremated.

He was laying on his rug in the garage, and it totally just looked like he was sleeping and would get up if I just called his name. 

I pet him for a while and said my good byes there.  Then we picked him up, on his sleeping rug and put him in my car.

I was just kind of numb while we were at the Humane Society.  We had to wait for our turn, and then they had us fill out paperwork, pay the fee, and bring my car over to the “receiving area.” I pet him some more and said my final good byes.  They put him in a big thick garbage bag when they took him from us, which was a bit disturbing for me to see.

My dad took me to Dunkin Donuts  

Our other dog, Bartleby, is sad and confused, I think.  Poor guy.  He’s known Logan all his life.  My parents may get another dog to keep him company.  Now that it’s just him, I might be able to take him on some hikes/runs with me.  Logan was too old and arthritic to do that.

My dad called me this morning to let me know that my dog Logan died.   

I got Logan as a puppy in 1993.  He was my constant companion for years through college, while Doug was at gigs and when we lived in Germany, and Doug had to move back to the US a month before I did. 

He’s been living with my parents for nearly a year now.  He has had some health issues – thyroid, arthritis – both of which he was taking medications for.  He was 13 1/2 years old – very old for a dog his size (chow/lab/shepherd mix).  Looks like he just died in his sleep. 

I did have a dream about him last night, which is kind of neat.  His way of saying good-bye. 

We told the boys.  Zander got a little sad and then asked, “What do we do now?”  Zevan tried to cheer me up with a smooch and then with a spinning light toy.   

I’m feeling sad  and guilty  .  Mostly sad.  My dad and I are going to take him to the Humane Society to be cremated now.  I’ll get his ashes back in about a week

Right before the race I told May I would do it in 53 minutes.  I thought it was a reasonable goal, until I realized that my fastest race last year near that speed was all downhill.   

During the first mile, my shins were killing me after only half a mile.    Road racing is not kind to me – I’ve been spoiled by the trails and the treadmill.  Not a great start to a race.   I walked from the 400 yards to parking lot sign to where the hill crests after the curve.    Then I ran as fast as I could on the downhills.  The whole race was like that for me.  Walk the uphills, run fast on the downhills. 

At the split for 5k/5mi, the 5k runners had a water station, but the 5milers didn’t!   And the first set of 5 milers were already on their way back from the turnaround.  Blows me away that people run that fast.  Basically twice as fast as me.  Then we had to pass the water station on our way to the turn around.  Talk about torture.  I was so glad to get that first sip of water.    Then walk, walk, walk up hill.  At the next sign post, I stopped and grabbed it to stretch out my shins.  Yowch. 

We finally got the part where we split to finish out the course.  A short down hill before a big uphill.  By this time, I was tracking an older woman runner, grey-haired and thin.  I kept trying to catch her on the downhills, but no luck.  On the uphills she kept a steady pace.  Amazing.  I never caught up with her.

Finally, the last turn, and the last half mile to the finish line.    I started running faster.  As I came close to the finish line, it was already 53:27 so I started really booking it to get under 54 minutes.  As I got into the chute, the runner in front of me totally slowed down and I had to slow down so I wouldn’t run into her!  Don’t slow down in the chute, honey!  I *think* I got in around 53:58.  We’ll see the official time when it’s posted online.

May, Candy, Mike & Misha greeted me at the finish line.  I got a super lovey hug from Misha.   

Right after the race, I started limping on my right foot.  It felt like a cramp at the top of my foot, where it meets my shin.  I stretched it somewhat, but it was super tight.  I limped to the shuttle bus and even let it take me an extra 100 yards to get me closer to my car.  When I pulled my toe up towards my shin, it was the most painful.  So I kept doing that to stretch it out.

We had a nice Starbucks stop after the race.  Nothing like a vanilla steamer, cinnamon coffee cake and chatting with your friends to replenish you after the race.   

BTW, I’m not sure about running the GOG 10 mile race because it’s all asphalt and sidewalk.    I think I need a nice trail race between now and the Ascent.

CRAP!  My time was over 54 minutes.    I blame the woman in the chute.