Well, I am up over a pound and basically back at my starting weight.  I’m going to blame some of it on my menstrual cycle starting and the rest on my inability to stop eating those little quiches Joy made for Dom’s birthday party.

Seeing those numbers on the scale really threw me for a loop, and it’s all I can do not to down a bag of chocolates.  Weight gain + menstrual cycle = HIGH URGE to comfort eat.

I desperately need to make a You-turn, so I’m switching my running days to M,W,F and will try and get back on BL today.  I might need to fast tomorrow to reset.  Or just make it a 900 calorie day.

Gotta run!  Literally  

George W. Bush is trying—yet again—to slash funding for NPR and PBS. This week, Bush proposed a new budget with devastating cuts to public broadcasting.1 “Sesame Street” and other ad-free kids’ shows are under the knife. So is the independent journalism our country needs.

Enough is enough. We’ve fought this fight before and won—but we can’t afford the risk anymore. With the new Congress, we can make sure this never happens again. We need Congress to insulate NPR and PBS from the political winds.

We can make it happen if enough of us sign this petition: “Congress must save NPR and PBS once and for all. Congress should guarantee permanent funding and independence from partisan meddling.” Clicking here will add your name to the petition:

http://civ.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/o.pl?id=9860-6789171-NNPDS8Anry5ZFkQyT7NdkA&t=2

After you sign, please forward this email to your friends, family, and co-workers to keep this campaign going. We’ll deliver the petition to members of Congress as they consider Bush’s budget—offering a public counterpoint to this dangerous attack.

Congress can protect NPR and PBS from future cuts. The long-term solution to save public radio and TV is to:

fully restore this year’s funding
guarantee a permanent funding stream free from political pressure
reform how the money is spent and keep partisan appointees from pushing a political bias

Bush’s budget would cut federal funds for public broadcasting by nearly 25%.1 According to PBS, the cuts “could mean the end of our ability to support some of the most treasured educational children’s series” like “Sesame Street,” “Reading Rainbow,” and “Arthur.”2

As telecommunications chair Rep. Ed Markey said, “In a 24-7 television world with content often inappropriate for young children, the public broadcasting system represents an oasis of quality, child-oriented educational programming. We owe America’s children and their parents this free, over-the-air resource.”1

The cuts could also decimate one of the last remaining sources of watchdog reporting on TV—continuing the partisan war on journalism led by the ex-chair of public broadcasting, Ken Tomlinson.3 More people trust public broadcasting than any corporate news media.4 President Bush would rather undermine our free press than face reporters who are asking tough questions.

Let’s put an end to the constant threats to NPR and PBS. Let’s ask Congress to guarantee funding and stop partisan meddling. Clicking here will add your name to the petition:

http://civ.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/o.pl?id=9860-6789171-NNPDS8Anry5ZFkQyT7NdkA&t=3

Thank you for all you do.

–Noah, Marika, Eli, Adam G. and the MoveOn.org Civic Action Team
Thursday, February 8th, 2007

P.S. Our friends at Free Press have more on how to save NPR and PBS once and for all:

http://www.freepress.net/publicbroadcasting/=policy

Sources:
1. “Bush Proposes Steep Cut to PBS Funding,” TV Week, February 5, 2007
http://www.tvweek.com/news.cms?newsId=11508

2. PBS’ Ready to Learn program (funds “Sesame Street” and other children’s shows)
http://www.pbs.org/readytolearn/

3. “Tomlinson Slinks Away,” MediaCitizen, November 3, 2005
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=2347&id=9860-6789171-NNPDS8Anry5ZFkQyT7NdkA&t=4

4. “2005 ‘Open to the Public’ Objectivity and Balance Report,” Corporation for Public Broadcasting, January 31, 2006
http://www.cpb.org/aboutcpb/goals/objectivity/

Today is Joe Priole‘s birthday. He would have been 37 years old today, if he hadn’t died on September 21, 2005. He had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Motherhood changes everything, particularly your perspective on events. I can’t watch movies or read books anymore where children are killed/injured/kidnapped/tortured. It’s far too disturbing. My biggest fear in life is that one of my children, or my husband, dies.

With two miscarriages, both after we had already seen the heartbeat, I experienced loss so deeply that it changed my life forever. I will never be the same. I believe that is only a *small* taste of what losing a child after he is born could be.

When Fran called me to tell me that Joe had died, it was shocking. And unbelievably deeply sad. I felt guilty that I hadn’t seen him or called him after I found out he was sick. I always figured there was time. Death seemed so unlikely that it never entered possibility in my mind.

All I could think about was Joe’s family, particularly his mom. She was so kind to me when I knew her, even when my own boyfriend’s mom was so unkind. And my heart broke for her, in a way I never knew before I had my sons. Of course, it was devastating to everyone who loved him, but a mother’s love is like no other, and her heartbreak is like no other.

I tried to figure out a way to get back for the service that week. To fly with 2 kids would have cost me over $1000 that I simply didn’t have. They don’t offer bereavement fares for old friends. My parents didn’t live here yet, and there wasn’t time to find someone to watch the kids while Doug was at work so I could go on my own. I spent a few hours trying to figure out a way to go there, and I just couldn’t make it work.

So I did the only think I could do from here. I set up a memorial website for him, where people could light a candle for him and leave a message. I get notices every time someone lights a candle. Over the last 24 hours, there have been a few, reminding me of Joe’s birthday and of his passing.

So during my hour long run this morning, I spent 45 minutes of it reminiscing about Joe. Here’s the thing. Joe and I knew each other many lifetimes ago – before I had kids, before I got married, before I finished college, before I joined the Air Force… Joe and I were friends through my high school boyfriend, Mike Coady. But my interaction with Joe basically ended when I enlisted in the US Air Force in August of 1988. Mike and I nearly made married, but didn’t.

We kept in spotty contact after that.

My memories of Joe are all from high school and shortly after high school. Some highlights: he’s is the only guy I personally know that was involved in a police car chase. He hooked up with a couple of my girlfriends while I dated Mike C. I had a very brief, purely innocent, little love affair with his little brother before I enlisted. He had the nickname “The Impregnator.” He was the driver in an accident where I ended up on my one and only ambulance ride. He and Mike Hohenstein loved to play practical jokes. Particularly where Mike C and I were the victims. There was the night the Bon Jovi tickets went on sale. And the incident when Joe ran into the back of Mike H’s car on prom night. There was a lot of drinking. A lot of fighting. A lot of goofing around.

Joe had the most mischievous grin – he’d get *that* look, and you knew he was up to something. You might end up at the top of the Art Museum steps or passed out drunk on the sofa… you would never know which until it was too late. When the Mikes would argue, he always smoothed it over. And he was loyal to a fault. You knew – no matter what and without a doubt – that Joe had your back. Joe fiercely loved his family. And everyone loved Joe.

Sometime in the early 90s, the gang of us went out in Philadelphia when I was visiting from Colorado with Doug (then boyfriend, now husband). Some club with an Egyptian name/theme. It was a reunion of sorts – Mike C, Mike H, Joe, Doug Hunt, Steve Maserick. It was obvious all of our lives were in different places, but for one night, it was drinks and dancing.

I saw him one other time after that when I visited the martial arts school on a visit to NJ to see my folks. He and Mike H were both dating Filipina girls, which I thought was very amusing.

After that, my visits back to NJ were limited to the Cape May timeshare, and I stopped trying to make arrangements to meet with Mike H and Joe. Mostly because Mike H’s girlfriend inexplicably forbade him from contact with me, even though my relationship with him was YEARS before they even met. Why Mike endures a relationship with so little trust is beyond me, but if that’s what makes him happy, so be it. Not my problem. Life goes on.

I’m not big into Instant Messaging. I turn it on when I’m working on a website project with someone, and that’s about it. I usually make myself invisible to anyone else that might try to contact me while it’s on. Otherwise, it’s an interruption to my work time or my online play time, mostly on the West Side Moms forums. Joe was on my IM buddy list. I came back to my computer once and there was a message from him “Are you ignoring me?” By the time I got it, he was offline, and we never connected. That was the last I ever heard from him.

And that’s it. My memories of Joe. Rest in peace, man.

This is in response to a hot topic discussion among West Side Moms members, initially sparked by an article about the KKK growing, fed by anti-immigrant feelings…

I’m so INCREDIBLY sensitive to this topic, it’s impossible for me to start talking about it without getting very emotional.

I grew up in the only non-white family in a southern New Jersey suburb in the 70s.  So, yes there was A LOT of racism.  Some more subtle, but a lot very overt.

My parents faced so much discrimination when they moved to the US.  They made so many sacrifices for us to live here.  In the end, I was the reason they were “allowed” to stay.  My mom made some influential friends at the hospital she worked at, and got an evaluation saying that if their daughter was sent to the Philippines to live that my quality of life would be compromised and development would be permanently damaged (or something like that).

When we moved from Philadephia to the NJ suburbs, there were a lot of obstacles to them buying a home, because they were Filipino.

When I was younger, I would just shrink up, but as I got to my early teens, I started getting confrontational with racists.  After a while, no one said anything in front of me, or close to me, because if I overheard them, I would get on their case.

I didn’t run into much of it in college, since the racists were focusing on blacks and people with strong accents.  And mostly sexism, since I was studying electrical engineering.

Then I joined the military, where everyone assumed I was someone’s WIFE, not an actual active duty airman.

My last boyfriend’s mom (before Doug) was a bigot.  She said, after she met me, “Oh, I didn’t realize she’d be so… dark.”      

Then I moved here.

You know that Dairy Queen on Colorado?  In the first months I lived here, I went there with a friend for ice cream.  The older guy behind the counter said to me, “So, trying your luck on the main land?”

“Sorry?”  I said, incredulously.  He repeated it, s l o w l y.

I nearly grabbed the guy across the counter before my friend stopped me.

I didn’t go back there for years because of that.   

I met Mark Wong, a local Raku artist, because he walked up to me at The Underground and said, “You must be the one that everyone thinks is my sister”  We had a BIG laugh over that.  It’s funny that people assume that Candy & I  or May and I must be sisters, when we’re not even the same race.

I feel very protective of my kids with the whole race issue.  One of the many reasons that I really like Buena Vista is because of its diversity.  Not just the students, but also the teachers and staff.  I mean, Zander’s teacher is Filipina!    What are the chances?

At job interviews, meeting potential clients, meeting new moms in person, I’m always looking to see if there is a reaction to my ethnicity.  Like Kristi, I’ve travelled through some small towns and definitely got the feeling I wasn’t welcome.

What always gives me hope is the innocence of children.  One of Zander’s really good friends when he was younger described Zander as “his brown friend”.  It was cute, like he would describe his blonde friend or his tall friend.  It was just a distinguishing characteristic, not a big deal at all.

The world is getting more and more diverse, and that’s hopeful, too.

So far, thankfully, we haven’t run into any racial situations with the boys, and I am hoping that I will be able to handle it in a way that will not scar them for life.

When people ask me what I am, I make them ask me very specifically.  I like to play dumb. 
“I’m a work at home mom.  I do websites.”  or something equally not what they wanted to know.
No, I mean, what country are you from? 
“The US.  I was born in Philadelphia”
Oh. Well, where do you parents live?
“Here in town.”
At this point, they either give up or finally use the words, “What’s your ethnic background?”  or “Well, are you Indian / Mexican / Chinese ?”
“Oh, I’m a Filipina American.  What’s YOUR ethnic background?”

Okay, this is long enough.  I’ll get off my little soapbox now.   

Oh, that damn wagon just keeps running me over!  I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

I’m a bad, bad girl.  I have been off Balance Log since Saturday AND been eating like crazy.     Very very bad foods and far too much of it. 

I also encouraged Candy to go to Starbucks with me after we visited Megan and Silvia at the hospital today. Bad friend! 

I’m feeling extremely irritable today AND had some cramps while running, so I think my cycle is approaching     I’m also tired, tired, tired.    I wasn’t able to get to sleep last night.

Not surprisingly, I am up 1 lb since last week.    But I did run 5.8 miles today in 60 minutes outside on the trail.  It goes by so much faster than the treadmill – especially when the weather is nice.

While DDR is fun,    it just doesn’t burn the calories that running does.  In 30 minutes of DDR, I burn maybe 95 calories.  If I run 30 minutes, it’s more like 270 calories.  HELLO!  I guess it’s better than no exercise, though.

Megan had her baby!

So, I’ve been working and billing like crazy since Christmas, and I have to say, it’s great to have my own money again. Money that I made with my skills and time. I like not feeling guilty about going to dinner at Marigolds with the girls and buying random stuff at WalMart that I’ve been meaning to get – new socks for the boys, a new mattress pad for the bed, etc – and not feeling guilty about spending money that should be spent on something else absolutely necessary.

Having regular childcare so I can work and setting my office hours has been unbelievably helpful in turning things around for me.

I told Doug that I won’t even need my monthly allowance this month. I feel like a real valid person.

Isn’t that a terrible thing to say?! I mean, I shouldn’t have to work an outside job to feel like validated. But there’s just no concrete compensation or feedback for being a stay at home parent.

I definitely would not trade my time at home with them from birth until 2 years old. I know in my heart that is what we wanted for them and for us. For our family, it is a priority. I think that it has paid off in ways that simply cannot be measured or quantified.

While I can’t ever see working in a “real” office again, I can definitely see myself doing freelance or contract work like I have been the past few months. Even if it was in some office (on the west side, of course).

It’s like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…that I’m starting towards the NEXT part of the journey. Potty training seems attainable. Both boys will be in school this fall. Simply through referrals, I have found steady work for the past 2 months, with projects lined up through March. Not bad.

Let’s see if I can keep it up. Must maintain life balance…