My friend Elaine, who I’ve known since 3rd grade, is visiting Colorado with her daughter this week.  I picked them up from the airport on Friday morning. 

Elizabeth and Zander are now best friends.    Elaine said that Elizabeth told her “I am in love with Zander”    At the time, we were discussing whether it would be okay for them to bathe together.  After she said that  Elaine told her that she would definitely not be taking a bath with Zander LOL!   

Elizabeth and Elaine are headed up to Summit County today with another friend.  Originally they were going to stay there until they fly back on Friday, but plans have changed and they will be back on Wednesday night, hang out on Thursday, and I will take them to the airport on Friday morning.

Zevan has been a bit jealous that Zander and Elizabeth have been playing together and he’s been excluded.  Poor little guy.

But it’s been manageable until today.  I still can’t say for sure what happened. 

They kids were playing in the backyard, in the sandbox.  I was upstairs, and all of a sudden heard Doug yelling, then ran down to find him carrying both crying boys inside.  Zander was in BIG trouble and Zevan’s mouth was full of sand.  Doug was furious. 

Zander was banished to his room while I tried to rinse Zevan of all the sand and calm him down.

I asked what happened and Doug said, “Zander was holding him down and putting sand in his face.”

What would you think? 

In my mind, I had a picture of Zevan face down in the sandbox with Zander sitting on him.  UGH.   

Anyway, it took some rinsing out and drinking of water for Zevan to be cleared of sand.  Once he seemed calm, I put him down to play with Elizabeth (and Elaine) so I could go talk to Zander.

For the most part, Zander had been crying loudly and hysterically while I was tending to Zevan.  By the time I got to the room to talk to him, he was laying in his bed, holding his baba (blankie) and sucking his thumb.

I asked him what happened.

“Zevan started it.”  I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the gist of it seemed to be that Zander and Elizabeth were working on something in the sandbox and Zevan ruined it and was throwing sand at Zander.  So Zander retaliated.

Zevan has a VERY short temper AND has been doing things like this a lot lately.  But of course, Zander’s retaliation was not the right response.

Deep breath. 

So, I explained to him that no matter what Zevan does, even if its wrong, he can’t do what he did to him.  That Zevan is his little brother that loves him very much, and relies on Zander to protect him, not attack him.  I have been trying hard to drill Zander to come to me when Zevan does something like this, but I also know how frustrating it can be.  I told Zander that what he did really hurt and scared Zevan.  And that it was very dangerous and that Zevan could have had to have gone to the hospital.  And I told him that he must never do anything like that to Zevan or anyone else.

He had to apologize to Zevan.  And then to Elizabeth for scaring her with his behavior.  Hugs and kisses after apologies, as well.

Tonight I asked Doug what he saw.  Weirdly, when I explained what I thought he meant, he got all defensive.  Whatever.     Anyway, Doug said that Zevan was on his back, Zander had a hand on Zevan’s leg, so Zevan was unable to get up while Zander put sand in his face.   

Last week, I saw Zander and Zevan gang up on Diego.  Zander was pulling Diego’s shirt, and when I called out to him, he said, “He was messing with my brother!”  While Zander pulled Diego, Zevan came after him with his little fists.  At this point, I intervened.  Lindsey and I had been watching the exchange until then.

I hate to think about what would happen without any supervision.  It all seems very Lord of the Flies to me.

I sometimes worry that my boys will be bullies.  I mean, I want them to be assertive and confident, without being so aggressive.  It’s a hard balance.  I need to look into the martial arts thing sooner.   He definitely needs an outlet for this aggression. 

At the same time, Zander is very sensitive and can be very polite and helpful when he wants to be.  I just need to figure out a way to keep him motivated to want to be.

This weekend, he and Elizabeth were wishing on a star.  I asked Zander what his wish was.  “I wished for a flower for you, Mom.”

Zevan has his own issues.  He had been hitting EVERYONE.  And spending a lot of time in time-out as a result. 

I’ve gotten to where I let him “use his (superhero) powers” so he doesn’t hit.  He basically sticks out both fists and “shoots” energy out of his fists, complete with sound effects.  Which is kind of cute – well, if you know Zevan, pretty much everything he does is cute  – but it still is disconcerting.  But I’d rather have him shoot energy beams than hit someone.  His fuse seems much shorter than Zander’s ever was, even at this age.

This parenting thing is hard.