I am having the worst emotional eating ever. 

Yesterday, about an hour after my run, my knee started hurting me.  For the rest of the day, it was painful to get up and down.  I had my old running shoes on, maybe it's time to toss those.

Last night Zevan had a huge tantrum about going to bed and cried/screamed for 40 minutes.  I comforted myself with a box of Cheez Its and water while I watched TV until 1 AM

This morning, my dog Logan (the light colored one who is 13 years old) had blood all over the side of his face and down his side.  I put them in the garage last night because of the wind, and didn't see any blood last night.  Did Bart bite him?!  That seems unlikely.  The vet couldn't get us in until 2:20 PM!  So all day I'm imagining the worst. 

At the appt, the vet mentions possible rx, like infected abcess, mouth cancer, tumor, etc.  Then he takes my dog into the back and I have to wait while they take a look.  They shaved part of his fur off, to reveal several bites and huge lumps on his face.  He says that the bites occurred 2-3 days ago, the skin closed up over the bites & bacteria, then they got infected and just now got big enough to burst  YUCK. 

Then I remember that a few days ago, the dogs were under the deck for some reason.  They never go under there.  As far as I can figure, there was a raccoon under there, and that's who bit Logan.  We have had raccoons living in our yard before, so this is very likely.  Thankfully, it wasn't a skunk – they have been skunked before, too.

So…  the vet needs to put in drain tubes so these lumps can empty out and Logan has to take antibiotics.  They need to put him under to do this.  In fact, they might need to keep him overnight while his face drains so he doesn't bleed all over the place here AND can keep dirt out for the first 12 hours.  So he might be done by 5 PM or he may have to stay over night.  So I leave him there.  As soon as I get back into the car, I burst into tears.  All the guilt about my poor dog not getting any attention since the kids were born comes pouring out; he was my baby for 10 years, and now he lives outside.

I cry in the car.  And I head right over to Dunkin Donuts.  I eat a Boston Creme donut in the car.  I get home.  I eat 1 1/2 chocolate frosted donuts with Zander at his snack table.  When Zevan gets up from his nap, he gets a donut, and I get another Boston Creme donut.  That's right.  3 1/2 donuts in 2 hours time.  720 chocolate frosted calories.   

And today is my REST day – so there is no exercise to off set it.

Doug comes home, I relive the Logan saga.  The boys are running around upstairs.  Then there's a thump and a half cry.  I run to pick up Zevan who is turning blue AND his mouth is bleeding.  I blow in his face, I tell him to breathe, nothing.  I blow and plead some more.  Turning bluer.  Plead, plead, blow, blow…finally, a meek little cry.  He closes his eyes and is very quiet…he's breathing and looks like he is about to fall asleep.  He is still bleeding.  Doug gets me cotton, I put it under lip and hold it.  He screams and cries, but I need to stop the bleeding.  I *really* hope he doesn't need stitches.  After a few minutes, I take the cotton out, and it looks like the bleeding is stopped, but his lip is really swollen. 

In the moment, Zander said that he and Zevan were playing chase, and Zander tried to hold on to Zevan to stop him, and that's when Zevan fell.  On the open dresser drawer, as far as I can figure.  While Zevan is crying, Doug asks Zander to show him were Zevan hit.  In his haste to get out of the room, Zander hits his head on the door frame.  Big crying ensues.  Now everyone is crying.  Even me.  Which makes Zevan cry more. 

Zander says, "Don’t cry, mom." and gives me a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

Things finally calm down, we give the boys some Tylenol, Doug distracts the boys while I wash the blood out of my shirt.  And Doug cooked and is feeding them dinner now while I'm online, writing this to decompress.

Right now, I need to do some damage control. I need to eat a low calorie dinner, although I only have about 250 calories left for the day.  I need to go to bed early tonight to catch up on sleep and avoid the late night eating trap.

  This week is going to be a wash, I just need to not let myself go overboard because of it.   

Yesterday I got on the scale several times, moved it to different places on the floor, (maybe the tile here is uneven and throwing the numbers off…) changed how I was breathing    

And my rationalization including menstrual weight, my muscles are sore…

Remember, I'm 5'2^1/2" 

Last week I was down to 129.  Yesterday, naked before working out, after peeing, before breakfast…132.8, 132.4, 132.6  After working out…132.2, 132.0 – I'll take it!

Crap.      I could stomach 1-2 lbs gained, but 3?!     I almost pretended I didn't weigh myself so I didn't have to report it.   

The good news is after my very windy run this morning, I'm at 131.4.

It's frustrating me because LAST January, I started on BalanceLog at 136.  I did actually get down to 125 last April for about a month last year.

My doctor casually mentioned that, although I didn't look it, I was carrying some extra pounds for my height.  This was in the context of discussing my family history of adult onset diabetes.  She did weigh me fully clothed with my shoes on!

I know I need to let go of the number on the scale.  It's just so much more concrete and convenient to measure than anything else.

According to the CDC BMI calculator, my BMI is 23.8 which is on the upper end of the normal band. 

I just want to wear my jeans without that extra bulge over the waistband.   

The reality of it is, when I was 22 and training for a body building competition, my body fat was at around 12-14% and my weight was 124. 

I'm hoping for 125 with a lot less muscle mass.  It feels do-able.  Isn't it?  Am I  ?

Ugh!  I'm up 3 lbs in 2 weeks.   I'm sure it has something to do with starting my period on Saturday.

It's discouraging, but I still feel really healthy with my workouts and new training program. I am super pleased with my time in the 5K and also with my climbing lately.

Zander's in testing mode today so it's a good thing there is no chocolate in the house.    I wish I wasn't such a stress eater!     

  I've started a new goal to lose 5 lbs in 8 weeks. 

The results have been posted!  As you can see, West Side Moms run the full range of times…

http://csgrandprix.com/results/2006/stpats/5k.html

Place Div/Tot  Name                  Age Time    Pace  No.   
===== ======== ===================== === ======= ===== =====
  45    6/69   May Chan               39  24:35   7:55   201
  81   14/69   Tiffany Hauber         37  26:12   8:26   736
  82   17/72   Jennifer L Bognar      33  26:14   8:27    54
 281   44/69   Maida Scott            37  32:31  10:28   227
 307   52/70   Megan Schwartz         28  33:42  10:51   228
 384   66/69   Candice Jackson        35  39:06  12:35   218

After the whole TTC/recurrent miscarriage thing, I really felt like my body failed me.  After Zander's birth, I bounced back into shape fairly easily, got unexpectedly pregnant and then my body proved itself again with the VBAC.   

To keep motivated, I got a calendar and put my workouts on it.  I did a 1.5 mile run today before breakfast at Doug's parents house.    That felt good although it was quite COLD out today. 

Running a race is very challenging.  Not just the distance (I ran/walked 1.5 – 2 miles a day, 5-6 days a week, for two weeks before the race), but the intensity – all those people, wanting to get a good time, mentally challenging myself to keep moving and move faster… 

The first and only other 5K I ever ran was part of my Maida 2000 goals – sing with a band, hike Pikes Peak, go skydiving, etc…  My only goal then was to finish it, not run the whole way. 

I'm tired today.    After finally getting the boys to bed last night, I stayed up late playing Cranium with Doug and his siblings and then HAD to watch Grey's Anatomy  after they left at midnight.  I had a little catnap today, not long enough. 

Back to the laundry and dishes now…   

Okay, I’m going to take this a step further and do a training program to get me to the next 5K race which is is Take 5 in the Garden on May 6, 2006.

This is the novice program from Hal Higdon’s 5K Training. He also has a walker’s program as well as intermediate and advanced programs on his website…

Rest: The most important day in any beginning or intermediate running program is rest. Rest days are as vital as training days. They give your muscles time to recover so you can run again. Actually, your muscles will build in strength as you rest. Without recovery days, you will not improve.

Run: Put one foot in front of the other and run. It sounds pretty simple, and it is. Don’t worry about how fast you run; just cover the distance–or approximately the distance suggested. Ideally, you should be able to run at a pace that allows you to converse comfortably while you do so. This isn’t always easy for beginners, so don’t push too hard or too fast.

Walk/Run or Cross-train: This is a combination of running and walking, suggested for those in-between days when you want to do some running, but only some. There’s nothing in the rules that suggests you have to run continuously, either in training or in the 5-K race itself. Use your own judgment. Run until you begin to feel fatigued, then walk until recovered. Run. Walk. Run. Walk. Another option for in-between days is to do some cross-training: biking, swimming or just plain walking. You get a little exercise, but not so much that you are fatigued for the next day’s running workout.

Walk: Walking is an excellent exercise that a lot of runners overlook in their training. In the training schedule, we suggest that you go for an hour-long walk on the day after your longest run. Don’t worry about how fast you walk, or how much distance you cover. Take time to stop and sniff the flowers or enjoy a scenic view. Not all training should be difficult. If a 60-minute walk seems too much at first, begin with about 30 minutes and add 5 minutes a week until you reach 60 minutes.

When we were TTC, both Doug and did an herbal digestive cleanse as a first step on the natural path.  It was a good way to start off.  I have 2 sealed herbal digestive cleanse packs for us in the cupboard.  I keep looking at it, tellling myself, we need to start that!  It's been there since December.  We just need to pick a week and do it together.

I do have a lot of problems with my body image – the usual trouble areas – belly pooch, tiger stripe stretch marks, inner thighs, backs of the upper arms.    I consciously try and note what I do like about my body, like my calves, biceps, shoulders, to balance it out.   

I slept last night from 10 PM until 7 AM this morning – Zevan woke me up around 2 AM for 30 minutes, but instead of working I went back to sleep.  The race tuckered me out!  I got to work out for 20 minutes before Zevan needed me to "hold you a minute".  I'll try and finish my workout while they eat breakfast.