The training is on!  Just when I thought I had decided to eat my fudgsicle (40 calories) and watch GH (which I did), I looked at the clock, and thought, I can run one mile right now.  So I did.  I just ran a 12 minute mile.  I figure I have three weeks to train…a mile this week, two miles next week, three miles the next…

Doing so-so on food today.  Breakfast at Doug's parents, mid morning snack of two apple struesel muffins, my Taco Bell lunch (just 2 crunchy taco supremes no lettuce), watermelon seeds while driving (the asian version of sunflower seeds) and that fudgsicle.  With exercise, I've got 783 calories left for tonight.  I haven't dropped my RMR yet. 

So…this morning I got up at 6:40 AM so I could get a workout in before the boys woke up.  I had a new workout recorded punch, crunch and something…

I was doing the abs part of the work out, where you are basically in a push up position balancing with your feet on top of an exercise ball, then you have to pull the ball in with your legs – killer.  I did about 8 out of the 12 reps, and sat down to catch my breath.  Then I heard this little voice, "Mom!  You have to keep exercising!"  Zander was on the stairs.  He insisted I get back on the ball.  I was thankfully able to explain that I did as many as I could, and would do more next time.

Sheesh! 

Oh, I also got on the scale this morning and I am down 0.4 lbs from last Tuesday.  See how much weight one can fluctuate in a day?  I'm 4 lbs away from my goal.

I spent late Saturday night on Google and Amazon researching about how to deal with my spirited / willful / strong-willed child.

Book Broker has their used book inventory online (http://thebookbroker.net/) so I even printed out a list of books they had in stock.  I picked up _Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy_ by Louise Bates Ames, _Raising Your Spirited Child_ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and _Stuffed Animals on the Ceiling Fan_ by Silvana Clark.

I'm in the midst of _Raising Your Spirited Child_ now it's been very helpful.

Who is the Spirited Child?
Kurcinka defines the spirited child as, “A normal child who is more. They are more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic.” There is no medical diagnosis for spirit—the term is merely a way for parents to relate to their children and specific “spirited” behaviors.

I am a spirited adult, which gives me a good perspective into Zander's psyche – I just need to look from his level.

I had a particularly good entrainment session with Dr. Audrey today (my NSA chiropractor  – www.draudreysiow.com) and it made me feel more confident about my parenting and my choices.

Here's something else I love about _Raising Your Spirited Child_

A Credo for Parents of Spirited Children
1. You are not alone.
2. You did not make your child spirited.
3. You are not powerless.
4. You have permission to take care of yourself.
5. You may celebrate and enjoy the delights of your spirited child.

I found this TOC in my research, but found the excerpts too preachy for my taste – sounds like it came more from a child psychologist rather than a parent who actually experienced this honestly:

_Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child_ by David and Claudi Arp
1. Look at me! -  Please understand me.
2. Did I do good? -  Encourage me.  Look for the positive.
3. You're not listening -  Listen to me; talk to me.
4. I want to do it MY way – Teach me how to cooperate
5. You can't MAKE me  -  Give me boundaries.  Discipline me.
6. I hate you  -  Help me deal with my anger and frustrations.
7. I don't want to  -  Give me the opportunity to develop.
8.  I'm a big kid ALREADY  -  Guide me to maturity

I don't have all the answers, but I do have options…

Okay, I am at the same weight as last week, which means…my RMR has changed and I need to drop my calories again in order to keep losing weight 

I'm going to coast some more this week and stay on maintenance, and then change my RMR and drop it another 100 calories a day to see if that works for me.  I've got 4 1/2 pounds to go for my initial goal and it is taking a lot to lose them.  I'm actually feeling pretty good about my body overall…it's that redundant skin/post partum squishy belly. 

I am still working out every day, but it's getting to be a challenge more and more because the boys are waking up earlier now.      I am already SO not a morning person, so getting up even earlier is not an option for me.  Working out is definitely the key for me.  Now that I've found stuff I like to do (Tae Bo and dance workouts), I need to figure something out to have uninterrupted workout time in the morning.  Or less interrupted time.  While I'm sure having Zevan on my shoulders while I work out burns calories, it does nothing for my form or my motivation.

I had my pedometer on yesterday and logged 6000 steps.

I have found that working out in the morning and starting the day being able to check something off the To Do list that is all about me, very motivating and rewarding.  If only my pesky life didn't get in the way of it sometimes. 

It’s Girl Scout cookie season.  I have definitely have a sweet tooth problem.  I have found that taking the time to portion them out right away and then putting the box away and eating away from it helps.  So, with those Samoas (aka Caramel Delites), I would take 3 cookies (225 calories!) out on a little plate, put the box away, get myself a drink (zero calorie dessert tea) and sit with a book and eat them slowly. 

For those who are curious, here are links to girl scout cookie nutritional info:
HTML:  http://www.littlebrowniebakers.com/cookies/nutrition/nutrition.html
PDF: http://www.littlebrowniebakers.com/cookies/CookieFlyer0506.pdf

A few West Side Moms have been sharing their tantrum experiences.     Knowing that I am not alone has been an immense help to my sanity. 

I often picture my head turning into hellfire and my voice demonizing when Zander pushes the last button…  Kind of like this mixed with this

I've had a break these past few days since Vikki has been here during the day on Thurs/Fri.  On Thursday night when I put him in time out for being rude, I took the toys out of his room.  He didn't have anything to throw at me or the door and he was very concerned about me removing toys from the room.  He cried, but didn't hit or throw things.  That's progress.

I've been letting the smaller stuff slide for now.  I hope I can put them back in effect after this "phase" is over.  I need to get "Your three year old: Friend or Enemy" from the library and read it again.  Does anyone have a copy they don't need anymore?

Today was my first day back on BalanceLog…and first day climbing since my family visiting.  Both feel pretty good.  I did a house party dance workout this morning, the 20 minute Winsor pilates workout and also went climbing today.  Plus some late night romancing with Doug 

I am able to fit into one pair of my black skinny pants comfortably – wore them while the family was visiting.    I have these size 5 jeans that I am hanging on to for a lofty goal.  I can actually zip them up, but my tummy hangs over the sides and it isn't very comfortable. Not a pretty sight.  My size 7 are fitting better – still some overhang, but not too bad.  I'm almost over my period, so I hope to see less bloat in the next day or so.   

I hope all my Tae Bo and dance work outs are good enough training for the 5K.  If only the weather would clear up, I could actually go running outside!   Still can't get myself on that treadmill.  The West Side Moms weight loss cheer is Eat right!   Get off your ass!  

Or here's a cheer from Bring It On (Haven't seen it, just saw the girls from The OC do the cheer):

I'm sexy I'm cute I'm popular to boot
I'm bitchin great hair
the boys all love to stare
I'm wanted I'm hott
I'm everything you're not
I'm pretty I'm cool
I dominate the school

For me, its the pictures when I was skinny that I marvel at.  I know I'll never be that skinny again, but I'm getting closer. 

I just got some Land O Lakes butter spread with canola oil.  Tastes pretty good, half the calories of butter (50 per tbsp).

Finding time to exercise is challenging…especially when you have kids that want your attention!  Most of my workouts are done in 10-20 minutes segments with interruptions to change diapers, give attention, feed or otherwise appease a child.  Except climbing, when I actually leave the house!  I TRY to get up and work out before the boys get up, but I'm a night owl and that's not always easy for me to do.  I have also done parts of my workout with Zevan on my shoulders since many mornings he says "Hold you a minute!"  (which means he wants me to hold HIM a while).  I'm sure I'm burning the calories with an extra 25 pound weight on me.

Ooh…and I found my long lost pedometer (under the changing table), so I need to remember to strap that on tomorrow morning.

There is nothing I hate more than a mom who insists that "You too can have a perfect life and perfect kids if you only work hard enough, are patient enough and love them enough to make sacrifices." 

That's crap.  Being a mom is NOT easy.  It's a lot of work.  Yes, it is immensely rewarding a lot of the time.  I can't imagine my life without my kids.  Oh, I occasionally fantasize about it, but one "You're the best mom on earth!" or "Love you mama" can remind me of what I'd be missing.

I have friends who are honest with me about parenting.  It's great.  I love it and I need it. 

You can not like your kids sometimes.  It's okay.  Do we really want to teach them that even if they are rude, mean, disrespectful, that someone will like them anyway?  I am very careful about how I tell him.  It's as much a reminder for me, as it is affirmation for him: I LOVE you very much, but right now I really don't like the way you are acting/ treating me/ behaving.  I am very disappointed/ sad/ angry with you right now.

I have told him to go away so I could calm down.  Sometimes it's me that needs a time out.  Sometimes it's me having the tantrum.  I'm not proud of it.  I have a lot of guilt about it.  But I move on.  Just like now.  This too shall pass.  Some day. 

I just had a good session today with Dr. Audrey Siow, my chiropractor – she practices network spinal analysis, and on a good day, I walk out of there feeling like I've had a massage and a therapy session.

Vikki left at 2:30 PM – Zander and Zevan are napping.  Let's see what the afternoon holds for us.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…"

I wish I could say that things are getting better, than I feel confident that I can weather this storm, but I can't right now. 

Yesterday I completely lost the will to parent Zander.  We started the morning with a huge tantrum because he was trying to turn off the TV with the remote while I was exercising.  First thing in the morning.

Another knock down drag out tantrum.  I was so spent by the last two tantrums that I just couldn't take it anymore.  This time I YELLED.  We had a screaming match.  I roughly dressed him and pushed him into this car seat very angrily.  It was one of my lowest parenting moments ever.  I cried so much yesterday.  Everytime I thought I was over it, I would burst into tears.  My heart is really broken by all this     I feel defeated and depressed.

By the end of the day I told him I didn't want to be his mama anymore.  That he must want a different mama since he was treating me so meanly.  He would tell me he loved me, then when I asked if he could be nice to me he would say, "No, I can't  do that."   

Doug came home and I told Doug I was done with Zander and I didn't know what to do anymore.  That Zander must hate me to treat me with such rudeness and disrespect. 

I had to put him in time out again last night for first not doing what I asked, followed by being rude, followed by toy throwing and kicking.  I told him he had to stay in time out until he could be nice and apologize and he told me, "I WILL get out of time out and I WON'T APOLOGIZE."

I shut the door and walked out.  I told Doug that I was done for the night.  He went down to talk to Zander.  About 30 minutes later Zander came up to apologize.

This morning Doug talked with Zander before Doug went to work.  So far it's been okay.  I tense up every time he starts to act up, but I have been able to stay calm and talk things through so far.  Vikki's here now, so I'm off the hook until nap time.

I shudder to think that I will have to go through this with Zevan again.

I know he is overall a really good kid.  We just have to make it through this somehow.

BTW, I got my period this weekend, so everything is just amplified for me emotionally.  Nice timing, huh? 

Thanks for reading my venting.  This is therapeutic for me mostly.  Otherwise I would have an ulcer the size of Texas.