·:[ The Healthy Mom ]:·
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Still no full blown tantrums, but constant testing of limits and my patience  .

I've decided we need a break from potty training.  He refuses to go just because I ask him to.  It's another platform for him to jump off of. 

So…I'm not going to ask him to go potty and he is not allowed to play any computer games while he's not going on the potty.  Period.  We'll see where that takes us.

I'm too tired from all the other behavioral issues to deal with potty training on top of it all. 

I put my pedometer back on last week.

The first few days I was doing about 5000-6000 steps per day.  Then I started training for this 5K, and now it's easier to get to 10000 steps.

On Saturday, I took Zevan out with me in the jogger, and we were out for an 18 minute run…I actually was able to run for that amount of time even with the jogger.  We all spent some time outside in the afternoon.  That night, we went out downtown and walked between restaurants/bars.  And we were even able to get in some dancing to Phat Daddy at The Thirsty Parrot.  Dani was amused by the fact that I had my pedometer on when we were out.

Check this out:

I'll never see that number again, I'm sure.

Sunday I took the boys along the 5K course, and racked up 10000 steps by bedtime.

I can't find my pedometer again, but feeling pretty good since I ran for 18 minutes this morning.

So, we've had 3 near tantrums that I was able to diffuse.  Yay for me.  Still very hard work, and ongoing.  He is continually testing me, and I have to remember that is what he is doing and be consistent in my response.  I did lose my temper the other day, and had to walk away.  He tried to follow me around, which only infuriated me more.   

I am weary from the constant bargaining/cajoling. Trying to reward him for good behavior only works about half the time. Threatening to take his toys away, especially his dinosaurs, seems to affect him the most.   

Except for today, the potty training has been going really well the past 4 days.  Hopefully we can stay on track with that.  Heck, even Zevan goes potty sometimes.

Zevan is worrying me a bit with his tantrums.     When he gets mad, he tries to hurt himself.  He will hit his own head on whatever is around, the floor, the wall, the door…  He's got a decent rugrash/bruise on his chin from doing it.  He also hit his eye on the foot of his bed the other day, I thought he was going to have a black eye from it, but he didn't.  I'm not sure how to stop him from doing it.     If I move him away from all furniture, he'll throw himself forward and slam his own face into the floor.  If I try to hold him, he flails and squirms a lot, and I'm afraid I could drop him.

My boys have some anger management issues, that's for sure. 

So, I walked along the course for the St Patrick’s Day 5K run on March 11.

First, I did a picnic with the boys in Bancroft Park, then they rode in the double jogger for the course. From Bancroft Park on 24th, we walked over to 27th, then crossed the street and headed down to 10th Street. That took about 29 minutes

After a visit with Tonia, who is opening a new salon near 10th and Colorado, we headed back towards Bancroft Park. We made a quick stop at Dairy Queen. Zevan had fallen asleep, so Zander and I had some ice cream before we got back to the park. That took about 22 minutes. So I was able to walk the route in 51 minutes pushing a double jogger, including waiting for traffic light changes. That bodes well for my goal of running the course in 36 minutes or less.

I *just* finished a 15 minute run that I started out to do about 2 hours ago.     But there was email to answer, posts to read, stuff to pick up around the house.  Even after I put on my shoes, I procrastinated another quarter hour.   But I did it.     I just realized that I need to get up to 36 minutes of running if I want to run the whole 5K. 

Usually I am able to get back on track with a sensible meal after falling off the wagon, but I think I was too worn out yesterday to fight the good fight.  I'll make up for it another day. 

Now I'm going to take a quick shower so I don't knock out the people at the climbing gym with my odeur naturale. 

Oops…I totally blew it today.  I didn't get a full workout in this morning as a tantrum avoidance technique, spent over 2 hours in the car driving to Denver and back AND ate too much - snacking in the car, fast food, big breakfast at Doug's parents house. 

I did rearrange the office and got it ready for the new (to us) desk, so that burned some calories. 

It might have been salvageable if it weren't for the Girl Scout cookies at Candy's house!!!   

Oh well, tomorrow is another day…

We are making progress.  A week without a tantrum is fantastic. 

We are even making some progress with potty training.  If he goes potty 3 times in one day, he gets to play a video game on his computer.  If he goes 5 times in one day, he gets to watch his tv show after dinner.

He ALMOST had one last night after dinner.  He was insisting on watching his tv show, but he hadn't gone potty the 5th time yet.  I almost fell into my usual pattern of threats, but I just told him that he needed to go potty or he would not watch his show then walked away from him and let him go downstairs instead of stay in his room.  We did not interact for 10 minutes.  Then I went downstairs and asked him if he was now ready to go on the potty so he could watch his tv show.

Today - just 30 minutes ago - he almost had another one, and today was the first day I used a timer for his time out.  He was being rude, rude, rude, but instead of getting angry right away, I just told him calmly what was going to happen.  He tested, I followed through.  He tested again, I followed through again.  We had an interruption because dad came home in the middle of the time out.  I reset that timer 3 times, and then he finally got it.  He was excited when the timer beeped and he was able to come down to greet daddy.

Raising Your Spirited Child has given me insight into why he does what he does.

Setting Limits (How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Reasonable Boundaries) by Robert MacKenzie has given me clear guidelines on how to deal with him.  It is the same principals as "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" but it is much more direct (written by a man).  He also addresses my current parenting style and why it has not been working for me.

I'm re-energized on this parenting thing.  I just hope I can keep it up.  Interestingly, many books say that children often have the most developmental advances at the year and half year mark.  Of course my kids are 18 months apart, which means they will always hit these stages at roughly the same time.  So it's not my imagination that it seems to all hit at once!

Oops gotta go…Zander and Zevan hit each other!   

The training is on!  Just when I thought I had decided to eat my fudgsicle (40 calories) and watch GH (which I did), I looked at the clock, and thought, I can run one mile right now.  So I did.  I just ran a 12 minute mile.  I figure I have three weeks to train…a mile this week, two miles next week, three miles the next…

Doing so-so on food today.  Breakfast at Doug's parents, mid morning snack of two apple struesel muffins, my Taco Bell lunch (just 2 crunchy taco supremes no lettuce), watermelon seeds while driving (the asian version of sunflower seeds) and that fudgsicle.  With exercise, I've got 783 calories left for tonight.  I haven't dropped my RMR yet. 

So…this morning I got up at 6:40 AM so I could get a workout in before the boys woke up.  I had a new workout recorded punch, crunch and something…

I was doing the abs part of the work out, where you are basically in a push up position balancing with your feet on top of an exercise ball, then you have to pull the ball in with your legs - killer.  I did about 8 out of the 12 reps, and sat down to catch my breath.  Then I heard this little voice, "Mom!  You have to keep exercising!"  Zander was on the stairs.  He insisted I get back on the ball.  I was thankfully able to explain that I did as many as I could, and would do more next time.

Sheesh! 

Oh, I also got on the scale this morning and I am down 0.4 lbs from last Tuesday.  See how much weight one can fluctuate in a day?  I'm 4 lbs away from my goal.

I spent late Saturday night on Google and Amazon researching about how to deal with my spirited / willful / strong-willed child.

Book Broker has their used book inventory online (http://thebookbroker.net/) so I even printed out a list of books they had in stock.  I picked up _Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy_ by Louise Bates Ames, _Raising Your Spirited Child_ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and _Stuffed Animals on the Ceiling Fan_ by Silvana Clark.

I'm in the midst of _Raising Your Spirited Child_ now it's been very helpful.

Who is the Spirited Child?
Kurcinka defines the spirited child as, “A normal child who is more. They are more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic.” There is no medical diagnosis for spirit—the term is merely a way for parents to relate to their children and specific “spirited” behaviors.

I am a spirited adult, which gives me a good perspective into Zander's psyche - I just need to look from his level.

I had a particularly good entrainment session with Dr. Audrey today (my NSA chiropractor  - www.draudreysiow.com) and it made me feel more confident about my parenting and my choices.

Here's something else I love about _Raising Your Spirited Child_

A Credo for Parents of Spirited Children
1. You are not alone.
2. You did not make your child spirited.
3. You are not powerless.
4. You have permission to take care of yourself.
5. You may celebrate and enjoy the delights of your spirited child.

I found this TOC in my research, but found the excerpts too preachy for my taste - sounds like it came more from a child psychologist rather than a parent who actually experienced this honestly:

_Answering the 8 Cries of the Spirited Child_ by David and Claudi Arp
1. Look at me! -  Please understand me.
2. Did I do good? -  Encourage me.  Look for the positive.
3. You're not listening -  Listen to me; talk to me.
4. I want to do it MY way - Teach me how to cooperate
5. You can't MAKE me  -  Give me boundaries.  Discipline me.
6. I hate you  -  Help me deal with my anger and frustrations.
7. I don't want to  -  Give me the opportunity to develop.
8.  I'm a big kid ALREADY  -  Guide me to maturity

I don't have all the answers, but I do have options…

Okay, I am at the same weight as last week, which means…my RMR has changed and I need to drop my calories again in order to keep losing weight 

I'm going to coast some more this week and stay on maintenance, and then change my RMR and drop it another 100 calories a day to see if that works for me.  I've got 4 1/2 pounds to go for my initial goal and it is taking a lot to lose them.  I'm actually feeling pretty good about my body overall…it's that redundant skin/post partum squishy belly. 

I am still working out every day, but it's getting to be a challenge more and more because the boys are waking up earlier now.      I am already SO not a morning person, so getting up even earlier is not an option for me.  Working out is definitely the key for me.  Now that I've found stuff I like to do (Tae Bo and dance workouts), I need to figure something out to have uninterrupted workout time in the morning.  Or less interrupted time.  While I'm sure having Zevan on my shoulders while I work out burns calories, it does nothing for my form or my motivation.

I had my pedometer on yesterday and logged 6000 steps.

I have found that working out in the morning and starting the day being able to check something off the To Do list that is all about me, very motivating and rewarding.  If only my pesky life didn't get in the way of it sometimes. 

It’s Girl Scout cookie season.  I have definitely have a sweet tooth problem.  I have found that taking the time to portion them out right away and then putting the box away and eating away from it helps.  So, with those Samoas (aka Caramel Delites), I would take 3 cookies (225 calories!) out on a little plate, put the box away, get myself a drink (zero calorie dessert tea) and sit with a book and eat them slowly. 

For those who are curious, here are links to girl scout cookie nutritional info:
HTML:  http://www.littlebrowniebakers.com/cookies/nutrition/nutrition.html
PDF: http://www.littlebrowniebakers.com/cookies/CookieFlyer0506.pdf

A few West Side Moms have been sharing their tantrum experiences.     Knowing that I am not alone has been an immense help to my sanity. 

I often picture my head turning into hellfire and my voice demonizing when Zander pushes the last button…  Kind of like this mixed with this

I've had a break these past few days since Vikki has been here during the day on Thurs/Fri.  On Thursday night when I put him in time out for being rude, I took the toys out of his room.  He didn't have anything to throw at me or the door and he was very concerned about me removing toys from the room.  He cried, but didn't hit or throw things.  That's progress.

I've been letting the smaller stuff slide for now.  I hope I can put them back in effect after this "phase" is over.  I need to get "Your three year old: Friend or Enemy" from the library and read it again.  Does anyone have a copy they don't need anymore?

Today was my first day back on BalanceLog…and first day climbing since my family visiting.  Both feel pretty good.  I did a house party dance workout this morning, the 20 minute Winsor pilates workout and also went climbing today.  Plus some late night romancing with Doug 

I am able to fit into one pair of my black skinny pants comfortably - wore them while the family was visiting.    I have these size 5 jeans that I am hanging on to for a lofty goal.  I can actually zip them up, but my tummy hangs over the sides and it isn't very comfortable. Not a pretty sight.  My size 7 are fitting better - still some overhang, but not too bad.  I'm almost over my period, so I hope to see less bloat in the next day or so.   

I hope all my Tae Bo and dance work outs are good enough training for the 5K.  If only the weather would clear up, I could actually go running outside!   Still can't get myself on that treadmill.  The West Side Moms weight loss cheer is Eat right!   Get off your ass!  

Or here's a cheer from Bring It On (Haven't seen it, just saw the girls from The OC do the cheer):

I'm sexy I'm cute I'm popular to boot
I'm bitchin great hair
the boys all love to stare
I'm wanted I'm hott
I'm everything you're not
I'm pretty I'm cool
I dominate the school

For me, its the pictures when I was skinny that I marvel at.  I know I'll never be that skinny again, but I'm getting closer. 

I just got some Land O Lakes butter spread with canola oil.  Tastes pretty good, half the calories of butter (50 per tbsp).

Finding time to exercise is challenging…especially when you have kids that want your attention!  Most of my workouts are done in 10-20 minutes segments with interruptions to change diapers, give attention, feed or otherwise appease a child.  Except climbing, when I actually leave the house!  I TRY to get up and work out before the boys get up, but I'm a night owl and that's not always easy for me to do.  I have also done parts of my workout with Zevan on my shoulders since many mornings he says "Hold you a minute!"  (which means he wants me to hold HIM a while).  I'm sure I'm burning the calories with an extra 25 pound weight on me.

Ooh…and I found my long lost pedometer (under the changing table), so I need to remember to strap that on tomorrow morning.

There is nothing I hate more than a mom who insists that "You too can have a perfect life and perfect kids if you only work hard enough, are patient enough and love them enough to make sacrifices." 

That's crap.  Being a mom is NOT easy.  It's a lot of work.  Yes, it is immensely rewarding a lot of the time.  I can't imagine my life without my kids.  Oh, I occasionally fantasize about it, but one "You're the best mom on earth!" or "Love you mama" can remind me of what I'd be missing.

I have friends who are honest with me about parenting.  It's great.  I love it and I need it. 

You can not like your kids sometimes.  It's okay.  Do we really want to teach them that even if they are rude, mean, disrespectful, that someone will like them anyway?  I am very careful about how I tell him.  It's as much a reminder for me, as it is affirmation for him: I LOVE you very much, but right now I really don't like the way you are acting/ treating me/ behaving.  I am very disappointed/ sad/ angry with you right now.

I have told him to go away so I could calm down.  Sometimes it's me that needs a time out.  Sometimes it's me having the tantrum.  I'm not proud of it.  I have a lot of guilt about it.  But I move on.  Just like now.  This too shall pass.  Some day. 

I just had a good session today with Dr. Audrey Siow, my chiropractor - she practices network spinal analysis, and on a good day, I walk out of there feeling like I've had a massage and a therapy session.

Vikki left at 2:30 PM - Zander and Zevan are napping.  Let's see what the afternoon holds for us.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…"

I wish I could say that things are getting better, than I feel confident that I can weather this storm, but I can't right now. 

Yesterday I completely lost the will to parent Zander.  We started the morning with a huge tantrum because he was trying to turn off the TV with the remote while I was exercising.  First thing in the morning.

Another knock down drag out tantrum.  I was so spent by the last two tantrums that I just couldn't take it anymore.  This time I YELLED.  We had a screaming match.  I roughly dressed him and pushed him into this car seat very angrily.  It was one of my lowest parenting moments ever.  I cried so much yesterday.  Everytime I thought I was over it, I would burst into tears.  My heart is really broken by all this     I feel defeated and depressed.

By the end of the day I told him I didn't want to be his mama anymore.  That he must want a different mama since he was treating me so meanly.  He would tell me he loved me, then when I asked if he could be nice to me he would say, "No, I can't  do that."   

Doug came home and I told Doug I was done with Zander and I didn't know what to do anymore.  That Zander must hate me to treat me with such rudeness and disrespect. 

I had to put him in time out again last night for first not doing what I asked, followed by being rude, followed by toy throwing and kicking.  I told him he had to stay in time out until he could be nice and apologize and he told me, "I WILL get out of time out and I WON'T APOLOGIZE."

I shut the door and walked out.  I told Doug that I was done for the night.  He went down to talk to Zander.  About 30 minutes later Zander came up to apologize.

This morning Doug talked with Zander before Doug went to work.  So far it's been okay.  I tense up every time he starts to act up, but I have been able to stay calm and talk things through so far.  Vikki's here now, so I'm off the hook until nap time.

I shudder to think that I will have to go through this with Zevan again.

I know he is overall a really good kid.  We just have to make it through this somehow.

BTW, I got my period this weekend, so everything is just amplified for me emotionally.  Nice timing, huh? 

Thanks for reading my venting.  This is therapeutic for me mostly.  Otherwise I would have an ulcer the size of Texas.

Good Lord.

Zander had the mother of all tantrums, not once, but TWICE while my family was visiting.

Seriously. It was HORRIBLE.

Friday night, my parents spent the night. I can’t even remember what set him off, but he was sent to his room for a time out. For the first part of the tantrum, I stood outside his room, holding the doorknob so he couldn’t get out. He started throwing his toys. And, house policy is that any toy that gets thrown in anger gets put up until the next day. I ended up taking his whole toy shelf out of his room. We were yelling at each other. It was not pretty.

After all the toy throwing, and knocking over furniture, and KICKING the door, I went in his room, and sat in front of the door on the inside. He was hitting me, and telling me that he was getting out of his room. I told him he would have to stay in his room until he calmed down and apologized. “I WON’T!” and he was actually growling at me.

He then knocked over his big upholstered Thinking Chair. I asked him to please pick it up.

“I WON’T”

“Fine.” I said. “If you are going to treat your furniture this way, I think we are going to have to give it back to Santa and he can give it to a little boy who will be nice and treat it more gently.

“I don’t want you to do that, Mom”

“Well, I would like you to pick it up and put it back where it was.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Okay, its going back to Santa then.”

He got really upset at this. “No, I want my chair.”

“Please put it back where it was.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Fine, it’s out of here.”

“No, no, no I need my chair.”

Sob, sob, sob, then “I need my chair. I’m 3 years old and I need a big boy chair to sit in.”

“Well, you need to show me that you can treat it nicely. Do you think you can put it back now?”

Sob, sob, “Okay, mama”

He was still defiant and telling me what he was going to do… ” I AM going to open the door and I AM getting out of this room”

“Not until you calm down and apologize.”

“I WON’T”

“Then you are not leaving this room.”

“I AM leaving this room”

This whole thing took over an hour. It was terrible. He did finally apologize, and he even apologized his lolo and lola (my mom and dad).

2 days later, it happened again…in the house we were staying in with 12 other people in Dillon.

He was acting up, so we let Zevan choose the TV program they were going to watch before bed. Zander didn’t like his choice, so he kept trying to shut the door to the TV armoire while Zevan was watching. After 3 times of being asked to please not do that, he was put in time out.

I closed the door to our room and told him he had to stay until he calmed down and apologized. I asked him why he kept shutting the door when I asked him not to. “Because I need to shut that door.” I explained that Zevan was watching it, but he kept insisting that he needed to shut it, and kept trying to get out of the room to go do it. Finally I gave up on reasoning and just said that he had to calm down before he could go back downstairs. Then I waited. I did some exercises, cleaned the room a bit. He just RAGED. “I’m going to take this room apart.” “I WILL get out of here.” He kept trying to hit and kick me. I kept putting him in the chair or on the bed. I almost lost my temper, so I just locked him in the room and went downstairs to get space and calm down. You could hear him kicking the door. I sent Doug up. He kicked Doug. Doug lost his temper. I went back up. It was EXHAUSTING and FRUSTRATING. I wasn’t yelling at him, but I wanted to. I tried to talk with him and he was rude and defiant. He wouldn’t listen to anything I said. All I could think was, “This is NOT my child.”

At one point, Doug and I were out in the hall, looking at each other helplessly.

He tried fake coughing and then saying he had to go downstairs and get water. We brought it up to him.

We were checking out the next morning and some folks were leaving early. I told Zander that some of his friends were leaving in the morning, and if he kept acting this way, he would not be able to go downstairs tonight and say good bye to them. And they would be gone when he woke up. This prompted a similar reaction to taking his Thinking Chair back to Santa. Even then it took at least 20 minutes for him calm down enough and to apologize so he could go downstairs.

That night when I put him to bed, I told him that I loved him, even when he was having a tantrum, but it makes me said and frustrated when he acts that way.

I asked him why he got so mad. He said that he was frustrated because he really needed to close the doors to the TV.

I asked him if he liked having tantrums. He said no.

I told him later that if he keeps having this kinds of tantrums that I would have to take him to the doctor to find out what is wrong with him. He said, “I don’t want you to do that mom”

After he and Zevan were settled in the bed, I was laying next to them, and started crying. I was just so spent. Zander asked, “Why are you crying mom?”

“I’m crying because your tantrum hurt my feelings and made me really sad.”

“Stop crying, mom. Don’t cry”

“I will Zander, I’m just tired and I need a minute.”

I think if he has another tantrum like this I might curl up in the fetal position and cry. I feel like a FAILURE as a mom. I thought we were making progress and this weekend’s tantrums have set me WAY back. I’m just wracked with guilt and frustration.

I’m not the suicidal type, but I am seriously wishing for a fully-recoverable coma for a few days just to not have to think about parenting for a few days.

If this is a snapshot of his teen years, boarding school is no longer just an option, it will be a necessity.

I'm back! 

Had a great visit with my family (if you don't count not one but TWO massive tantrums from Zander - one at my house and one in the house in Dillon - more about this in another post).  My parents are again considering moving to Colorado Springs, so I'm going to focus on making that happen ASAP.

So, after not logging my food in Balance Log, the Superbowl  , getting my period on Friday  AND a weekend in the mountains with my parents cooking  , I got on the scale this morning…
 
And… 

I did not gain any weight!     WOO HOO    

I think my key was that I exercised every day.  I missed my morning workout on Friday, but we went to the Denver Aquarium which is a lot of walking  .  I worked out Saturday  before we headed to the mountains.  I brought my Tae Bo DVD with me and worked out in Dillon on Sunday and Monday mornings.  On Sunday we took the boys sledding at the sled hill in Breckenridge.  It's hard work trudging the sled up the hill, especially with a 25 or 35 lb boy in it.

I also made sure I was one of the last to eat, so that there was less chance of me overeating since there were hungry snowboarders eating before me.  I watched my portions at breakfast and lunch, and it seemed that I didn't have a lot of time for snacks.

I'm easing myself back into my food logging.  And continuing my workouts. 

I have found a combination of supplements that is working really well for me.  1 oz of NutraEarth every morning along with a Chocamaca treat.  Another Chocamaca in the afternoon.  If I'm feeling ESPECIALLY tired, I'll take another 1 oz of NutraEarth in the afternoon.

So I'm getting back on track for my 1/2 pound per week weight loss.  I have 4 1/2 lbs to get to my first goal weight.

SIDENOTE: I just found out that the client I am getting NutraEarth from is not going to sell it anymore   So I'm going to have to buy a 6 pack at a time to save $10 per bottle.

LONG UPDATE: While the war on tantrums rages on, we are making some overall progress on specific battles.

Zander is definitely still pushing limits ("I don't WANT to!" and "No, I WON'T&quot   , and I am finding better ways to handle it. 

We are trying to talk more about what he is actually angry about.
"What are you mad about?"

I am trying to involve him in coming up with a solution (within reason). 
"What do you think could make this easier for you?" 

Threatening to take away his TV show that day is very effective. 
"If you continue to act this way, then you will not get to watch your show later.  Zevan will watch a show and you will have to stay in your room and not watch it."

Rewarding him with some computer time is also effective.
"If you <insert desired behavior here>, you can play your computer game for 15 minutes."

If he throws something, it gets put away until THE NEXT DAY. 
The first night of this, he tested me.  He ended up losing all of his dinosaurs and his superheros to play with until morning.  After dinner, he came and apologized to me for throwing his dinosaurs.  After accepting his apology, he tested me again, "Now can I have my dinosaurs back?"  While I could have rewarded his heartfelt apology, I stuck to my guns and said, "I'm sorry but you can't have them until tomorrow."  He got upset, so I tried to direct him to other toys.  I did not give in.

Time out does work for us
I need the time out as much as he does.  Time for us to disengage and go back to our corners.

It works better if I can do it calmly: "I need you to sit here until you can be nice/stop crying/calm down."  The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of the child's age.  Three minutes is a LONG time in these situations.  If he comes out early saying, "I'm ready to be nice now;"  I still make him stay another 30 seconds to a minute so he can't just use that phrase to end his time out.

However, often this is used as the last method, when the battle is most heated.  Which often means a hissed, mean "You are going in time out You WILL sit here until you calm down.  Sometimes that means I shut the door and hold the knob as he screams at me and tries to get out. 

But the alternative, which DOES happen, is an in-your-face, holding his chin in my hand, growled declaration, "This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE.  I am tired of it.  I am angry at you." 

---

It is very EFFORTFUL to parent instead of simply react.  It takes a huge amount of energy for me to quell my desire to yell/scream/threaten menacingly.  Which I am successfully doing only 80% of the time.  It takes patience.  It takes time.  It takes thinking.  But it can be very rewarding.

---

PROGRESS
One morning, I let Zander "clean" his snack table with a spray bottle filled with water and a rag - he loves spraying water.  After "cleaning" he and Zevan made a HUGE mess with their midmorning snack, getting sunflower seeds and cereal EVERYWHERE.  I got really annoyed.

Zander asked, "Are you smiling, mom?"
"No, Zander, I'm not.  I'm a little frustrated that after cleaning your snack table you guys made a big mess."
He grinned and started singing, "I like to move it, move it!  I like to move it, move it!"
When he finished, he asked, "NOW are you smiling, mom?"

Of course I was.  They got big hugs and we cleaned up the mess.