Who is this little guy walking, sometimes running, around the house, waving bye bye, saying words like book, more, ball, mama, dada, ahnna (Zander), dog, duck, making car/ train / elephant / tiger / cow noises and singing E-I-E-I-O?

What happened to my little baby Zevan?

Now there is a table climbing, standing while eating, toilet-obsessed (bowl, brush or paper…he wants to play with anything related to the toilet – ewwwww), little guy who turns off computer monitors and computers when you least expect it, and can get the tv / vcr / tivo in an unusable state with a few clicks of a remote.

He’s my special little man. Like his big brother, Zander, he has already learned that his big beautiful smile can earn immediate and fleetingly grudging forgiveness. He is soooooo cute!

Zander sings It is the cutest thing ever. As if he could be any cuter!

His current songlist includes:
The Alphabet Song (also our handwashing song)
Spiderman theme song
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You Are My Sunshine
Old MacDonald
Chicka Chicka ABC
Baa Baa Black Sheep
All the Blues Clues songs (Steve, not Joe)
Itsy Bitsy Spider

My favorite is when he sings “Is he strong? Listen Bud. He’s got radioactive blood.”

He even makes up his own little songs or changes lyrics of songs he already know

He also does this little happy dance when he gets a treat that he asks for (like chocolate or a popsicle).

He is hilarious. And when he is good, he is very very good. But when he is bad, he is HORRID. He often follows his bad behavior with something super cute. He totally knows what he is doing. As a parent, it is frustrating. But these skills will be useful later in life.

I am having the worst week.

Both boys have colds – runny noses, no fever or hacking coughs, no puke or diarrhea thankfully. And I must have caught it, because I’m feeling a bit stuffy and hazy, starting from Sunday.

Monday:
I got an email from an old boyfriend, Keith. He lives in Las Vegas. I had emailed him over the weekend because a mutual AF buddy of ours, who is also stationed at Nellis AFB, contacted me through my Six Degrees of Separation page (his son found it). He replied early Monday morning saying he was in town and did I want to do lunch with him and his daughter. It’s been years since I’ve seen him in person, so I moved some errands around and made plans to have lunch. In my mind, I decided I would just take Zevan and leave Zander with grandma & grandpa. While I was leaving to go to lunch, I casually asked Zander if he wanted to come, and, to my chagrin, he said YES. ?!? I asked him 3 times, and he assured me that he wanted to go to the restaurant for lunch with mom and Zevan and he would be good.

I should have known better. As soon as he got there, he wanted to go home. And reminded us throughout the meal. He didn’t eat. He whined. UGH. Disaster. Next time – we’re meeting at a playground.

Tuesday:
I’m still feeling sick. Not debilitating, just very annoying. And the boys are extra whiny. Zander is pushing all my buttons. Zevan is clingy and whiny and won’t let me put him down for a second.

I have become the screaming mom. By 10: 00 AM. Not a good start. I scream (not really at them, just a primal “I’m so frustrated and I have no patience” scream that sets both of them off crying. Great. :-x

We go to the playdate at Thorndale Park because if I do not get out of the house I’m going to cause irreparable damage to our relationship. Zander plays. Zevan clings. All of a sudden everyone is heading home, and I’m feeling like…”no, don’t you want to stay? I don’t want to go home.”

But we do go home. And we actually nap.

I tell Doug about my day when we meet up for allergy shots. Zander chimes in, “We were crying. And mom screamed like this, ‘AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHH’”

Oh, thanks, Zander. :|

Tuesday night:
Zevan won’t sleep. It’s midnight, two Baby Einstein videos and much walking and hushing, and he shows no sign of being tired. Everytime I try and lay down with him, he screams. For the videos, he watches quietly. If I am in the room with him. I close the door to the room, and he walks over to the door, reaching for the doorknob. I open the door and he stands in the hall, still crying. Can’t have that. Back into the room, shut the door, and he is VERY unhappy about that. Some houses have a panic room, we need a crying room. Doug comes in. I ask him if we have any bourbon. No, of course we don’t.

It’s 2 AM and he has screaming/crying for the last hour. I’ve tried nursing him (he usually doesn’t nurse during the night). I’ve tried anbesol and tylenol (he has a new tooth that just broke through). I try simethicone drops. I change his diaper (that was not fun). The videos don’t work anymore unless I’m holding him. Zander just came in because Zevan’s crying woke him up. He is pleased that we are watching a video and sits with us. Zevan seems to like that Zander is there and I can now sit on the floor holding him while we watch. I can even go and get us all a glass of water. Which Zevan gulps down (no wonder – after all that crying). The video ends and I tell Zander to go back to sleep. He wants to sleep with us in his room and gets in bed. Zevan starts crying again. Zander tells him “I appreciate you stop crying, Zevan.” Me, too. I would appreciate it if he would stop crying.

Then Zander tells me, “Zevan is bothering me, Mom.” And repeats it in that way that 2 1/2 year olds do. I finally put Zevan down, screaming, and escort Zander back into bed with Dad (who has put earplugs in so he can sleep).

Back to Zevan the unconsolable. Sigh. I can no longer stand up holding him. I lay in Zander’s bed and put Zevan next to me. He is crying and crawling all over me, obviously uncomfortable. Out of desperation, I head to the pantry and, with much guilt, give him Benadryl. This is what they tell you to give babies during flight to knock them out. We go back to the bed. More crying and crawling and trying to get out of the bed. Fine. I put him on the floor. He sits and cries as I lay on the floor next to him. I put a video on. He is still upset. I finally collapse on the bed, exhausted and defeated. I’m not even sure when he fell asleep. At one point I woke up and he was asleep on the floor. I scooped him up, and snuggled in bed with him. It’s 4:30 AM.

Wednesday:
Thank God for Doug’s parents. I have no idea what I would do without them. They are the dream in-laws, grandparents. We spend Wednesdays there, the three of us. This day, I “sleep in” until 8:00 AM (3 1/2 hours of sleep – whoopee) and I didn’t prep the night before , so after throwing a load of laundry in, writing a check for the cleaning couple, packing the diaper bag and hunting down library books, we finally get there at 10:00 AM.

After breakfast/brunch, and empathy from Grandma and Grandap, I put a load of laundry in while I’m there, I answer emails (and clear out much SPAM). I decide I am going to lay down for a little bit before lunch. I sleep for 75 minutes, awoken by a horrible dream that Doug tells me he has had another wife all this time, and he is going to live with her because she doesn’t have any kids.

Have I mentioned how great Doug’s parents are? Especially mom. When I woke up, she was feeding the boys lunch, and then made me grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. While I was asleep, Zander “helped” her fold the clothes. Oh…and she just happened to make us a lasagna that morning to take home for dinner…complete with garlic bread and brownies for dessert. I love my mother-in-law.

I should mention here that Zevan seems none the worse for wear after last night. He is actually smiley and happy all day, according to Grandma and Grandpa. What the ?!?

After lunch, I change their diapers and get them down for a nap. I actually manage to sleep for another 20 minutes.

I get up, read for 15 minutes in the very quiet house. Then I go the library to drop off the books/videos and pick up a copy of Misconceptions by Naomi Wolfe that I have had on hold. Fill the van up with gas, and get it through the carwash (after several failed attempts and then assistance by the gas station manager!). When I get back, I decide that I will take the boys home now while they are still sleepy, rather than face the fully awake, “I don’t want to go home” with Zander. Zevan is awake and smiling. I pack up the car. I pick up a sleeping Zander who gives a half-hearted fight about going home, but, as I hoped, is sleepy enough not to bring it to full fruition. Zevan gives a bigger protest, but it’s manageable thanks to Grandma.

We get home, and Dad’s there. Tonight is my climbing night with May. Things are looking up!

Sometimes I feel like I always complain, and that’s not a good feeling.

Let me write down the people who are a positive influence in my life.

I love my guys: Zander, Zevan and Doug. While they can be frustrating at times, I really cannot imagine my life without them.

Zander is super smart and clever. I know all moms say that, but I believe its true! How many other 2 ½ year olds do you know that can tell you an brachiosaurus from a diplodocus?

Zevan is walking! It’s sooooo cute. He just gets up in the middle of the room and starts walking to things now. He can say words, too, like duck, ball, blue. And if you ask him what a tiger says, he does the cutest little growl.

Doug works at a job he doesn’t enjoy so that I can stay home with the boys. He cooks dinner most nights and breakfast most weekend mornings. He gives them baths and watches them every Wednesday night so I can go climbing with May and go out to eat with her afterwards.

Doug’s parents (aka Grandma and Grandpa) are my lifesavers. On Mondays, the Zboys and I go over to their place for breakfast. Then Zander (and occasionally Zevan) stay there until 1:30 PM so I can run errands, or go home and work/do housework. On Wednesdays, the ZBoys and I spend the whole day there. We have breakfast, they watch one boy while I take the other to the library, we have lunch there, and the boys play, read, watch movies while I can either participate, or take the time to shop nearby, run errands, check my email, clean out my purse/restock the diaper bag. It’s FANTASTIC. And they are always happy to babysit for a date night or TV watching night with our friends. I don’t know what we would do without them. I am so thankful that they are nearby and such a loving, constant presence in the boys’ life.

I have great friends that keep me sane. Candy is enjoying new motherhood and still finds time to come over and watch our shows with me (Desperate Housewives & The OC). Doug and I go over and watch Battlestar Galactica with her and Mike. May and I climb together every week, then talk over a late snack/meal at Village Inn. As a mom of older kids (5 and 7), she gives me perspective. And we also have a chance to vent about life as a full time mom after working full time. We work through our issues together – if nothing else, we can vent to each other what we might not say to anyone else. Johanna is in the trenches with me – and our boys play pretty well together. I feel like we have similar parenting styles and political leanings, which is rare in this town.

My family, although not nearby, is very much a presence in my life. Berni is the closest, in Denver, and it’s fun to spend time together when she can visit. It’s really cool to have Lester in Denver right now, too. The boys love him and he is so great with them. I’m excited that Fran and Kimmie are going to have a new baby soon, but I’m sad that I’m not close enough to be a part of it. I’m still working on my parents to move out here, but now we have to wait for Dad to finish Deacon school. But they are a good influence for me and I love them a lot.

I have a good life. I really do. I’m really lucky. I just need to remind myself of that more often.

I want to recommend these books to any mom who ever feels lost or resentful or frustrated or trapped by motherhood.

Staying Home: From Full-Time Professional to Full-Time Parent by Darcie Sanders and Marth M. Bullen. (Buy from Amazon)

The Mask of Motherhood:How Becoming a Mother Changes our live and Why We Never Talk About It by Susan Maushart (Buy from Amazon)

These books feel particularly helpful to me as someone who worked full time in an office with a great salary before having kids.

While I feel very fortunate to be spending time at home with my kids while they are so young (both are under 3 years old now), I struggle with my new identity – earning, if I’m lucky, just 10% of my previous income with my freelance website design business, MaidaNet and photo keepsake/digital scrapbook business, Instant Keepsakes.

I struggle with the division of labor at home, too. Since I am at home and living off my husband’s salary, I feel obligated to do the bulk of the housework. At the same time, I resent having to make such an effort to have my own free time. If I want to read a book, go rock climbing, eat lunch with a friend, shop kid-free or watch a television show, I have to schedule around naptime, mealtime, playdates and preschool and/or find someone to watch the kids. So, I don’t get to do any of those things as often as I would like to. :-|

If nothing else, these books helped validate and put words to what I have been feeling.

Of course, I am extremely fortunate that I am able to stay home with them while they are young. And I am very grateful to my husband for making that possible. Part of my journey is coming to terms with how this phase of my life impacts my identity AND also feeling worthy enough to ask for things I deserve.

I was able to borrow both these books from my local library. After maxing out the renewal time on both books, I bought them so I could have them at home for reference when I needed them. I even found one at a local used bookstore.